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Friday, September 25, 2015

For all you senior citizen drivers out there. . .

Have you been driving since the Model T was the "it" car to have?  Are your sketchy kids telling you to hang up your driving cap and goggles because they are worried you will get confused and lost before reaching your final destination?  After taking them over your knee, tell them to quit worrying because Garglin® brand GPS has taken all of the guess work out of driving for the elderly or Hell, even the legally blind with our new. . .
Just find someone with enough strength left in their body to open the package for you.  Then try to work up some saliva to stick the suction cup to the windshield (if not, denture cup water works just as well).  Get 9 or 10 of your fellow nursing home cronies to help lift it onto the suction cup.  Finally, coerce your 4 year old great grandchild to program it for you and you're off.  It's just that easy.

I mean why should you quit driving just because you're old?  I bet there's still some stuff left on your block that you haven't even hit yet.  And why limit yourselves to just blocking the aisles at the grocery store. . .

when you prune-faced geezers could also be blocking lanes of traffic with tales of your health woes and stories about the time your grandchild made you a potholder out of an old sock?

So load up, set the GPS for Heaven (or Hell, you dog you) and visit all of your old friends.  Pay no never mind that you can't actually see out the windshield anymore but let's face it, at your age and level of eyesight, does that really even matter anymore.

However if ridiculous things like "seeing" or "knowing your surroundings" are important to you when you are driving, you may want to purchase our new accessory, the Garglin Periscope® .

Garglin® is not responsible for black permanent marker rings around eyeballs by drunk friends who think they are funny.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Smelly Cat

In honor of us going back to California in a few days and revisiting the Friends set at the WB Studios,

I learned Smelly Cat on guitar last night to possibly WOW our tour group. They were less impressed last time with my fake singing pose and fat, old, hairy Phoebe impression.

As long as I don't get tackled and wedgied by some burly security guards, maybe next week I can post footage of me actually playing Smelly Cat on that guitar on the Central Perk stage. Fingers crossed. I'm sure Chandler would BE so excited if I played it. That's me "doing" Phoebe "doing" Chandler.  Anyways, here is my Smelly Cat.


Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault.
They won't take you to the vet.
It's obvious you're not their favorite pet.
You may not be a bed of roses.
And you're no friend of those with noses.
Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

After You Fall

Since last March, my daughter Lukah has started having terrible seizures.  We have been through many doctors and many hospitals to try to find an answer.  It breaks my heart to see this once athletic lively girl reduced to being afraid to be in public for fear of having a seizure in front of people.  She has shown me more courage than I could ever have imagined and her strength is what gives her mother and I the ambition to keep striving for answers.  I truly believe that someday, this will all be a very bad memory and she will be flashing those huge dimples at me as often as she used to.  Here is a picture of her when she was little.

See what I mean about those dimples.  She has been diagnosed with POTS syndrome.  Never heard of it?  That's okay, neither had we.  Nor have most doctors that we have come in contact with.  It stands for Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome.  It basically is an extremely high jump in heart rate from lying to upright position that can cause fainting or even seizures.  So they think it is caused by that or really deep in the brain epilepsy.  It has taken almost a year and slogging through many internet forums to get ourselves to the correct doctors for this diagnosis.  If you want to read more about the disease and coping with it, my wife has started a blog detailing her journey as a parent dealing with a child affected by this.   Now let me show you a picture of Lukah before the monster came after her.

That is my little girl getting a kiss from me.  Lately, there has been too many times where I have had to move wires aside to kiss that same cheek.

I want with everything in me to give her life back to her.  She hates it when we say this but I wish that the monster had went after me rather than her.  Thanks for listening and allowing me to educate.

(for my sweet daughter Lukah)

There was a time
not so long ago
where our main worry
was if you had enough sunblock on.

You were so pretty
running around chasing your brother
as the wind blew your hair 
and the sun kissed your face.

I can actually hear your laughter
as you roll around in the grass
fighting with the dog 
over his coveted chew rope.

Somehow, some other force took over
ending those carefree days,
making you a prisoner of your own body,
robbing you of your youth.

There were so many calls
to rush to the school
that even when you are home
a ringing phone sinks my heart.

As a parent, I live in fear from this monster.
But I can’t imagine what you feel
when you drop and shake
and lose hours of your day.

Just know we won’t leave you.
We won’t give up on an answer.
As John Paul Jones exclaimed,
“I have not yet begun to fight!”

After you fall, we will be there
hopefully to catch you.
But sometimes its too late
and we have to just pick you back up.

Your strength gives me strength
and I’m amazed that you can still smile.
Remember, I will always be your dad
to help you after you fall.

Corey Case