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Friday, December 23, 2011

Fruits Of My Loin, Fruits Of My Labor

These are the fruits of my loin (well, mostly) in Andi's groovy Christmas card this year.

And here is the fruits of my labor.  I put them up a couple weeks before Thanksgiving but do not light them up until Thanksgiving night.  It looks much better in person than my grainy photo shows, trust me. Come check it out at 1 Ivy Circle, Clinton, IL.

And just spotted at Wal-Mart stocking up on some last minute supplies (or presents) for the big night. . .

And what we did last night.  It is the East Peoria Festival of Lights (followed by the Texas Roadhouse, YUM!). This video is actually from 2 years ago but most of the exhibits are the same.  Sorry the video is so bad but I had my old video camera then, I was driving and filming, and it was raining so I was trying to shield my camera from the rain.  It really is an amazing sight and worth the drive.  You have to see it in person.  It runs through New Years.  Get hours and prices on


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Perry Rabbit Christmas Story

This is the Perry Rabbit Christmas children's book I wrote.  It is the first one that I did.  I made little clay models and sets and Andi photographed it for me.  Unfortunately, it was before she had a good camera.  Still, I hope you enjoy and again, let me know what the kids think.


Saturday, December 17, 2011

And New From La-Z-Boy. . .

Do you spend half your life on the toilet?  Do you read War and Peace in one sitting including the Preface, Epilogue and Bibliography?  Then you need the comfort you have come to expect from La-Z-Boy®.  So rush out and get your. . .

If your current throne does not offer you the back support and relaxation  you desire for hours of drinking beer and looking at porn, then you need to visit our La-Z-Boy® showroom and take a test drive on our new La-Z-Toi®.  Then  you won't be calling your friends to complain about your shitter.

Instead, you'll be calling your friends to brag about where you both passed out and passed your last meal.  Don't worry about it, just wipe when you wake up.

You just may never want to leave your hopper when you see our new accessory.  Invite all of your closest friends over for a game of DungDarts®.  Just plug it in to any wall outlet, drop the target into your toilet bowl, eat some Mexican food, and let the games begin.    La-Z-Boy® is not responsible for electrocutions.  Game board has automatic scorekeeping for up to 4 players.  The excitement lies in that no one knows their score until they stand up.  So eat up, sit down and play.  Don't forget to flush between turns.

And coming soon, the children's Swamplogger Play Set®.  They can bring 'em up from the bottom and drag them around in boats just like the real t.v. show.  Just make sure they wash their hands for dinner. 

You and junior will be duking it out for toilet time, but keep an eye on him or he just may be spiking your dinner with ex-lax when he needs more cargo.  Order in time for Christmas and surprise junior with the new Swamplogger Play Set® and after that big holiday meal, a huge selection of Yule logs to go with it.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Mick, You Sucked a What?

When we were all growing up, didn't we all think that Mannfred Mann was inspired to pen a song about being "wrapped up like a douche" (minute 1:02)?  That took a lot of guts as there were not many songs about feminine hygiene products at that time.

Just something I always wondered. . . 

Is he talking about "Sucking a duck" at minute 2:44?  I didn't want to jump to conclusions because growing up, I always thought Olivia Newton John and John Travolta were singing about "weather balloons" and my brother thought they were singing the "wizard of O's" in Grease (minute 1:02 again.  Wow, creepy).

Listening to it now, however, I think they might be singing something about willy worms.  I guess I am going to have to force myself to actually watch this movie to figure this out.  Nah, why kill a good mystery.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Insult Letters #12

Annie's real name is GLORIA, not Annie, and she LLLOOOVVVEEESSSSS to be called Gloria.  So from now on when you see my sissy (she loves being called that, too), make sure to call her Gloria.  That's why the outside of the following insult letter says. . .

And the inside. . . 

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Fun With Beer Cans

This was our Christmas tree in our dorm room my freshman year in college.  It was made with over 400 beer cans and yes we even put lights on it.  I am surprised looking at this picture and seeing so many Budweisers.  I remember a lot more Old Mil and Milwaukee's Best which are represented on the tree also. 

Of course, we were only freshman in college and under age so we had to borrow all of these cans from juniors and seniors of legal drinking age.

When Christmas was over, we had to figure out what to do with all of the cans.  We decided to make giant pillars and curtain over our 1983 color t.v. and our VHS vcr (had the foresight to not get "beta").

Eddie Murphy's "The Golden Child" video store promotional hanging is evidently the crown jewel while Frosty the Snowman's severed head and Mr. Rogers with a skinny cigarette looks on.

Is that a Sport's Illustrated football phone and a picture of the band "Europe"?  A Juan Valdez coffee commercial is on the television.


Sunday, December 4, 2011

Insult Letters #11

Well, here I am down to a few left of only the ones I wrote to Annie.  If she would GET OFF HER LAZY TUFFET and write more, I would have more to post!

And now for the inside of the letter.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

And New From Wuggle. . .

Are you sick of the world being sugar-coated for your kids?  Don't worry, Wuggle® has your back.  Isn't it time your little ones quit dreaming about unicorns and fairies and became a man?  I'm not suggesting an operation for your daughter, but new Wuggle Reality Series Li'l Killers®.

That's right.  You take them out of the box, you hook them to the machine, you turn the crank to fill them, and you give them life just as quickly as they took it away.  Who knows, you may be the one to straighten little Teddy Bundy out before he takes on a life of evil and misery.  Has there ever been a serial killer more Teddy Bear like than John Wayne Gacy.  Your kids will love to stuff him, and stuff him, and stuff him, and stuff him.  

In fact, his doll comes with 5 extra packs of fiber fill to give him a realistic look.  Hide the markers or your daughters just might get kicked out of preschool for drawing swastikas on their foreheads after they get done playing with the Little Charlie Manson doll that they created.

It's never too early to prepare your kids for the real world and the dangers in it.  Our dolls will show them what "stranger danger" looks like up close and allow them to do exactly what they should not do in real life.  Wuggle® is not responsible for mixed messages.  And coming soon. . . .


Who else would a kid rather snuggle with other than the guy from the tire store or the carpenter that nailed a piece of trim back up over your kitchen cabinet?  Now they can do both and more with the Wuggle® Everyday series.

You can roll up his sleeve and give yourselves matching realistic tattoos (included), just like the real guy at the tire store.

There are many more tattoos available (sold separately) for the tire guy, carpenter, and drunken hobo dolls.
Mix and match.  Share with your friends.  Wuggle® is not responsible for friend's angry parents.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Albion Heater-Bad Customer Service #4

In November of 2008, we bought one of those electric wood stove-looking space heaters to help heat our sunroom.  Menards had the one that we liked the best so we plunked down $100 and brought it home.

In case you are wondering, those things on the heater are coconut monkeys.  Actually, one of the monkey's is famous and has been featured in a very prominent and prestigious magazine.

Why coconut monkeys, you ask.  This sunroom is done in a tropical theme as it overlooks the pool.  Here are a few shots to show you.

Well, we had this space heater for what I thought was well over a year and it quit.  And I mean it completely quit-no fire, no heat, nothing.  I thought it was over the year warranty so I got in no hurry to mess with it.  A few weeks later, I thought that I might as well check the receipt and was mad at myself to see that it had broken within the year period but now was 1 week over a year.  I called anyways and they graciously (so I thought) offered to honor the warranty.  Now, I read the warranty and it said that they would send a replacement.  Imagine my surprise when a month later, I got a box of parts in the mail.  I called the number again (and mind you that it was at the very LEAST a half hour wait EVERY time I called).  I could not believe when they informed me that it was easy and I could just fix it myself with a screwdriver.  They didn't seem to care when I told them that this wasn't a Pez Dispenser I was fixing but an electrical appliance that I had no training in that could possibly burn my house down.  She assured me that it was very simple so I thought "what the Hell" and hung up.  Okay Corey, get a screwdriver.

Check.  Now start taking it apart.  I did manage to get it into pieces and to gouge the shit out of my hand as well in this "simple" process.

Okay, it wasn't really gouged quite that badly but pretty damn close.  The whole time I was doing this, I was just trying to picture my grandma attempting this when she was alive.  Would they have asked her to do this?

"Okay, got my screwdriver.  Now point me to that electronical thingamajig."

"That's a shoe horn, grandma."

"Shut the Hell up you snot nosed little bastard."

So, back to the story.  I went to put the new parts in which were switches and the heating unit and NONE of them fit.  They were all the wrong parts.  So back to the phone and a half hour later I was met with a promise of new and correct parts to be mailed out to me.  Another month rolled by and a package arrived.  I was glad I was finally going to have it fixed because it was now late December and getting pretty cold.  Better get some blankets out there.  Wrong parts again.  Another half hour, another promise, another month, another box of wrong parts.  Meanwhile, this is what my living room looked like for 4 months because I was afraid to move anything for fear I wouldn't remember how to put it back together as the wiring was actually pretty complicated.

This was the last time.  I was pissed now and they got the full-on Corey.  I yelled at them how ridiculous it was to have a customer trying to fix their shitty appliance that they couldn't build correctly the first f**king time.  I also let them know that it wasn't really as f**king easy as they kept stressing to me EVERY time I called.  Sure, it was easy to them.  They were sitting in a cubicle in Canada.  They were also made aware that in this "easy" repair,  I had gouged the shit out of my hand and the wiring was just a spaghetti mess of wires with no diagram of how to re-hook it all up.  As usual, my yelling paid off and they emailed me a form to take back to Menard's to return it with and exchange for a new one.  I still had my original receipt so I scooped up the pieces of my heater and headed to Menards.  I stopped at the returns desk and dropped off the pieces of my heater and headed to get a new one.  They still carried the exact same heater so I went and got it and gave them my old receipt.  I could not believe when they just did a regular exchange on it.  I asked if they needed this letter from the manufacturer and got a "Nah".  I went through all of that for NOTHING.  I could have just returned the damn thing.  I about grabbed the return desk girl and forced her to take that note and like it.  But soon my anger melted away as did all of the snow, since winter was almost over now that I had my new space heater.