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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

When Good TV Moms Go Bad

Remember when TV moms were the best.  They were sweet, wholesome women that could juggle a thousand things and still put a hot meal on the table for the family.  Carol Brady (who actually had Alice for help, so it's not really that impressive) managed to keep 3 very lovely girls with hair of gold and 3 white boys with afros in line.

Remember the wholesomeness?  Somewhere down the line, something snapped.  She lets Jan have it in "The Brady Bunch Movie".

Do they come any more clean and from a cleaner time than June Cleaver?

I know there has been a lot of "Beaver" jokes over the years and I would like to think that like my real mom, June wouldn't understand them.   After hearing her speak jive in "Airplane", maybe the "Beaver" jokes wouldn't be lost on her after all.

Shirley Partridge was a single mother trying to keep that rat bastard Danny in line and doing a pretty good job at it.  In fact, she needs to come back and kick his ass now.  Remember how sweet she was?

You never heard sex mentioned in the partridge house but I always suspected Reuben was a flasher.  Can't you just picture him naked in a raincoat.  Ooops, sorry about that visual.  Mrs. Partridge certainly wouldn't have been bragging of her sexual conquests like in "Grandma's Boy".

And now for the crown jewel.  Mrs. Cunningham was America's sweetheart. 

She was so much like everyone's mother in Happy Days that she could even get Fonzie to eventually do the right thing.  Well, I watched "Superhero Movie" the other day and I don't ever remember Mrs. C giving Richie advice like this.


One thing I did notice now that I am close to the age they were then, is that these women were actually pretty hot.  Back when I watched them then, they were 100 years old to me.  I believe the kids now-a-days would call them "milfs".  

Don't forget the rubber with Mrs. Brady, though. . . . 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

No, It's Not Soap On A Rope

When Vegas was younger, I got accustomed to cleaning up all sorts of interesting colored and textured poop.  There was a lot of crayon eating at that time because the children were much younger as well.  I saw many a pile of poop that looked as such.

Do you see the Burnt Sienna and the Midnight Blue?  Anyone feel like chocolate ice cream with sprinkles?  The absolutely most bizarre and equally disturbing poop fiasco though occurred at our old house.  At this house, we had a deck to the backyard off of our bedroom.  This is where we let the poop factory in and out from.  One day, I heard the scratching to come in and when I opened the door, Vegas was just a blur running by.  I caught a small glimpse of something following him rather closely but could not register what it was in his fury.  By the time I got into the living room where he was, he was literally doing flips up the wall.  This is not him but it was just like this.


I chased him down and tackled him several times but it was like trying to catch a fart in a jar as he kept escaping.  The whole while, I could still see something not quite right with the caboose area.  Finally, I got him in a headlock and could see the problem.  He had unraveled and ate the string from a baseball.  Sticking out of his butt was a long string with a turdball stuck to the end of it.  So in what would become a rather disgusting offshoot of the spaghetti and meatball scene from Lady and the Tramp, I wrapped my hand with a paper towel.  

I got the dog out on the deck and "helped" the situation.  To not be too gross, let's say that unplugged the drain and everything was then allowed to and DID flow freely (all over the deck).  Looking back, I'm not really sure why I didn't take him to the yard but hindsight is 20/20.  This is kinda what he looked like.

But he didn't really smile until afterwards.  Me?  I'm still trying to smile about it.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Insult Letters # 6

And now for the next in the series of Annie and my hate mail to each other.

This is one of my favorite ones that I wrote to her.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

WTF? Runaway Bride With . . . JOURNEY!?

FRONT ROYAL, Va. (AP) — While her husband says she's missing, White House gate crasher and "Real Housewives of D.C." cast member Michaele Salahi has reportedly been with the band Journey in Tennessee.
Scoop Marketing, which represents the band, has told gossip website TMZ that Salahi is with the band, who had a Wednesday concert in Memphis.
Salahi's husband, Tareq, reported to Virginia authorities that she was missing and said he believed she'd been abducted. But Warren County Sheriff Daniel T. McEathron said a deputy spoke with Michaele Salahi and she assured him she left with a friend.
The sheriff's department would not give any details on Michaele Salahi's location early Thursday.
The Salahis burst onto the scene in 2009 when they crashed a White House state dinner.

Excuse me.  Did you say, Journey?  Sometimes these things write themselves.  I know it's common, or used to be, for girls to run off with the band.  But a married woman running off with an early 80's has-been band with not even the same lead singer.  My sister Annie will probably slug me at that last sentence because they were her favorite band at that time.  This is where I stress "AT THAT TIME!"  Has anyone even heard anything from Journey in 20 years?  Yet enough to be so taken with them that they leave their spouse to run off with them.  My sister loved Steven Perry but he hasn't been with them for so long that I think that window to run off with them passed for her in, oh, say 1986.  And how bad does this guy have to feel about himself?  Couldn't you just hear his end of the phone conversation when the cops found her.

"Huh?  You found her with who?"

"We must have a bad connection.  I thought you said "Journey".  Are you in a tunnel or something?"

"Oh, you did say Journey."

"Yes, I do know they haven't had a hit in 25 years.  Thanks for pointing that out."

"So if I come in to give you guys a statement, do you guys just leave your revolvers lying around or . . . .?"


 I just know that I am definitely not going to be so naive now.  If Ratt ever comes back around, I am sticking to my wife like glue.

Friday, September 23, 2011

And New From Crayola. . . . .

Remember when you were a kid and were jealous of those rich bastards that had a sharpener on their crayon box?  Let's face it.  You make a comfortable living.  Wouldn't you like to show it off?  What better way to say "Hey, I've made it" than the new Crayola Showoffs ® 10,000 Pack.

Nothing will let your kids say "I'm better than you" to their friends than to walk in to the first day of kindergarten with the new 10,000 Pack.  Just tell them not to drop their arm to point and laugh at the poor, little sap with the 8 count box or they may be crushed to death by their Crayola Showoffs ® 10,000 Pack.  Crayola is not responsible for accidents.  It comes with the old standards like Aqua and Peach.  But with this many colors, we had to make subtle variations to fill the box.  We now don't just have Blue-Violet, but also have Violet-Blue.

We didn't stop there.  Our color team came up with all new color combinations, like Red-Blue-Green-Yellow-Violet-Brown and every combination of that, as well as many new colors like Thai Food Toilet Green.  Hell, the last 100 crayons are just clear because we ran out of ideas.
So, show that smug graduating class of yours who was actually the most likely to succeed and run out and get your new Crayola Showoffs ® 10,000 Pack today.  Crayola Showoffs ® 10,000 Pack Transport Wagon sold separately.

Coming soon, Crayola Homeys ® with all new urban colors.  Kids from South Side to South Central will kill for them.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Homecoming Fail

Ah, homecoming.  It takes me back.  What an awesome time in the teen years.  You can always count on great weather and the local boys to bring home a big win for the hometown crowd.

Oops.  Well, times have changed.

K.  Maybe not.  But at least we had good fashion sense back then.

Kinda.  And the parade was a place where families could come together and enjoy some good, old-fashioned G-rated entertainment.

Whoops.  "Cover your eyes kids, here come the floats."  At least working on the floats was a wholesome experience that students could get excited about.

Dang it, maybe a little too excited.  Anyways, each class always came together to make a quality float that represented all of the skills and abilities that their class possessed.

Aw man.  The highlight was always the dance where the chosen themes always reflected the passion and romance of the evening.  Nothing says "I love you" like "Heave In Your Eyes".  Wait, what?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I Guess I Really Am Clark Griswold

We won a video contest from the Downer, Downer, Downer guy at This Is It Furniture in Champaign with this video. . .


So within about 6 months of each other, we will have went to the happiest place on Earth . . .

and the the not so happiest place on earth.  Downright miserable in fact.

I'd just rather have the corn, actually.  I didn't know there was a choice.  As you can tell, I wasn't a big fan.  We went there early in the Summer for a 5 day trip and rented an expensive cabin.  

And as you can see by expensive, I just mean in cost only, not luxury.  I am not going to get into the specifics of that trip because you can read about that trip's dissatisfaction here (the first one on the page is mine)

and here (the first one on the page is mine).

This blog is actually about my whole new level of dissatisfaction from this past weekend.  Even though I hated this place, Lukah, Cal, and I drove over early Saturday morning to go to the park and then camp that night in a tent.  Our accommodations were MUCH nicer this time.

 Why would I go back you ask?  It's simple.  We had season passes and since it was a fairly short drive, I figured we may as well try to get some of our money back from the ripoff of the first time.  Friday night, I checked the Indiana Beach website to make sure everything was good for our trip.  Saturday morning we took off bright and early.  I don't know if it was an omen or what, but we got stopped by a train in the EXACT same spot that made us change our route the last time we went.  Callahan even joked, "What if we get there and it was closed?"  We chuckled.  "I forgot about the time difference.  I wish we would have left earlier so we would have a whole day at the park," I exclaimed.  You may be able to guess what happened next.  Everything seemed eerily quiet as we turned on the final road.  It was just like all of those Scooby Doo's where they wound up at abandoned amusement parks.  We pulled up to the gate and were met with this.

It was exactly like that scene from the best movie ever made, Vacation.


I had often been compared to Clark Griswold because of my Christmas light display but now, I had a whole other reason.  No, I didn't go purchase a BB gun.  The kids were amazed that I didn't flip out.  I just chuckled.  It was par for the course for this shithole and was just so absurd, I just took comfort in knowing that I would never be back.  With Tesla singing "Sign's, sign's, everywhere are signs" throughout my brain, we drove on to Wal-Mart for supplies.   Here is a dissatisfied customer of roughly my same height, weight, age, and address making up their own f**king sign.  For legal purposes, we will just call him Morey Mase.

Not surprisingly, the sign was down by the end of the day.  We camped there that night so the trip wasn't a complete bust.  Plus, that allowed me, uh I mean Morey, to hang another sign before we left on Sunday.

I hated even staying at the campground because it is owned by Morgan RV Resorts who also own that shithole amusement park, but we needed a place to stay.  There was at least the most expensive miniature golf course in the world ($6 a person for 1 round) with large, hairy rodents running around freely next to the holes.

Evidently there was also some other disgruntled customers as well, because I do not think that this is the normal place to build your campfire.  I am really proud of myself for getting through that last sentence without using the obvious phrase "happy camper" in a sarcastic way.

Here is just a fun little ending to the post.  See if you can guess which are Indiana Beach resorts and which are Cancun, mexico resorts. 

ANSWER KEY-The Indiana Beach resorts are "S, H, I, T".

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

And You Thought My Jeep Was Bad

Everyone brings something to a marriage right off the bat.  Let me rephrase that.  Everyone brings something old and beat up to a marriage right off the bat.  My wife brought an alarm clock and me, well, I brought me.  Now, this clock didn't look quite this bad 14+ years ago but pretty close.

I finally had to retire it a few months ago.  The wife still uses it.  We used to share it because it has dual alarms.  She sets it once and is done for the week so it doesn't bother her.  I used to reset it every 10 minutes to sneak a nap whenever I could but half the time, it took me so long to set the clock, the nap was over once I got the clock set.  It got to where I was spending minutes just trying to get the set button to work.  It had been getting progressively worse for years and was now at the point where I had to try differing degrees of pressure and angles to get the numbers to start moving.  And God forbid you let off accidentally, then you had to start all over.  I had had enough and went to Wal-Mart and got this very nice looking clock.

It works very well but my only complaint is that even on dim, you could read a book by the light of the numbers. If you lined a runway with these on dim, 747's could land in a snowstorm at midnight.  I'm used to it now though.  And someday, I hope to get Andi to part with the other clock.  When she does, I will try to sell it on our notice board at work as this is evidently a good forum to sell piles of shit that used to be something other than piles of shit.  See.

For Sale-Box of shit that used to be piece of shit.  Find more shit and with a little work, it can be a piece of shit again someday. $400.  Hmm.  How can I spin our old clock/radio?. . . . . .

For Sale-Feeling nostalgic?  Remember when Seger crooned Night Moves and you had to squint at tiny numbers on a dial to find it on the radio.  Wouldn't you love to relive those happy, carefree times?  You say "melted dent in speaker", I say "cup holder".  You say "radio needle cover" off, I say "manual access window".  No, it doesn't have a flux capacitor but you will feel like you are back in 1982 with this beauty.  $.75.  Will consider trade for 2 pack (I want some bargaining room) of Big Red gum OBO.

Monday, September 19, 2011

I Bet She's Really Good At Hitchhiking, Though

Remember the Seinfeld where Jerry calls his girlfriend and she thinks it's someone else and mentions the tractor story?  So, then he tries to figure out the rest of the show what the tractor story is.  George thinks she has toe thumbs.

Too bad Megan Fox was only 12 at the time because she would have been a shoe in (you'll get that joke later) for the role of Jerry's girlfriend in this one.  Why would she have been perfect you ask?  Wait for it . . . 

That's right.  She has toe thumbs (groan at previous joke now).  No, not real toe thumbs but some kind of birth defect where her thumbs look like big toes.  I learned about this from reading another guy's funny blog and didn't believe it, so I googled it.

2,380,000 results.  Sorry guys did I ruin it for you?  Now in all fairness, I haven't seen any pictures of her big toes.  Maybe they look like thumbs and it all evens out.  Before you throw her on the scrap heap though, remember, the rest of her still looks like this.

Bet you'd still take a toe job, wouldn't ya single fellas?

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Insult Letters #5

Onto the next in the series of the insult letters that my sister and I leave for each other in our mailboxes at work.   Now these are in no particular order as this has been going on for years.  I can barely remember my kids birthdays (okay, I cheat.  They are written on a card in my wallet), yet enough what order these were in.  I do know that most of the yellow or pink paper ones are the older ones.  Some are better than others but I am going to post them all just so they are documented for all humanity.   Annie's insult letter was based on the video I posted on youtube of the insane robin we had constantly attacking our sunroom window.  Enjoy.

Unrelated hate mail to Annie.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Good God, Anything Else?!

So I was watching t.v. the other day and this commercial came on.  Watch the 1st minute.

Did ya happen to get the list of those side effects.  My God is this a case of the cure being worse than the disease or what?   Hey pal, just take it.  It only could possibly cause negative side effects to your face, mouth, lips, gums, tongue, neck, breathing, skin, and eyesight.  You may also experience muscle pain, fever, suicidal thoughts, tiredness, dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, and swelling of the hands, legs, and feet.  Well hot diggity damn doc, is that all?  It doesn't say anything about my asshole closing up and reopening as a vagina so son of a bitch, give me 3 years worth.  Hope I don't commit suicide before I'm cured.  Well, I guess that would fix the problem then wouldn't it?  Not sure that's exactly what the FDA had in mind when they approved the drug though.  If I do happen to live, then I am going to be one ugly, bloated, sleepy, disoriented, depressed son of a bitch.  At least it doesn't cause homicidal tendencies.  Could you imagine?  Every working serial killer would find a way to get prescribed this.

JUDGE-"Mr. Scott, you brutally murdered 28 people and left a Lincoln Log sticking out of the pancreas of the last victim.  Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

SERIAL KILLER-"I was on Lyrica."

JUDGE-"Well, why didn't you say so?  Get the Hell out of here ya' old knucklehead."  (judge tussles serial killer's hair)

Serial killer starts to exit courtroom.

JUDGE-"Hey Scott, wait.  You almost forgot your Lincoln Log.  Oh yeah.  And try not to serial kill anymore."

That Lyrica commercial is so much like that old Saturday Night Live commercial for Happy Fun Ball that it is almost hard to tell which one is the parody.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

New From Levi's

Well endowed and proud?  Then head to Kohl's to get your new. . .


You packin' and proud of it?  Why not?  I would be.  You will enjoy the ease and comfort of our newest offshoot of the straight leg jean.  There are no zippers and no buttons to mess with when nature comes a callin'.  Simply roll up the end and let it fly.  Don't forget the shake.  Our new jean's sizes cover all racial stereotypes from "It's not the size that matters" small clear up to "You think you're gonna put what where?" large.

Not confident enough for our jeans?  Need to enhance what the good Lord put in your pants?  Don't be so hard on (ha, I kill me) yourself.  Buy our new Middle-Leg Jeans Inserts® in whatever size your insecurities require.

And coming soon. . .Middle-Leg Baggies®

If you leave the girls gaggin', put on our baggies and your peter will be draggin'.  Available at all Kohl's and Medusa's Adult World outlets.