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Thursday, September 8, 2011

That Weird Feeling

You want to know what gives me the heebie jeebies worse than Fran Drescher's voice.  Okay, nothing gives me worse heebie jeebies than that.  I just have to stop here for a moment because I think it's hilarious that SpellCheck has marked "heebie" as being spelled incorrectly but "jeebies" is okay.  Back to what drives me nuts.  It's when one of my finger nails gets a little jagged and then it snags on my clothing.  Once that happens then, I get a bit of mental illness going because even though it drives me insane, I become obsessed with snagging it then.  The only way to stop myself is to cut that nail.  Thank God I keep nail clippers on my key chain.  Don't believe me?

I'm not weird.  I was just a high school wrestler and they checked your fingernails before every match.  That way if they needed cut, I had my own pair right there.  It just stayed with me through adulthood.  My daughter Lukah once gave me a disgusted look because I pulled them out at her softball game and cut my son Callahan's nails.  We were outside for God's sake.  You know "outside", right?  Where horses shit freely and people are still actually allowed to smoke.  Yeah, that "outside".  I did notice a few weird looks besides hers, though.    These same people that give me a weird look will then turn around and ask to borrow my clippers 5 minutes later when they encounter their own fingernail snag.  As you might have guessed, the dreaded jaggernail happened to me today so I cut it.  

You probably noticed that little scab on my middle finger.  That is one of those little loose skin areas that you decide to pull instead of just cut with the clippers.  Then you pull, and pull, and pull, and it finally breaks off about the elbow leaving you holding a bloody piece of skin the size of a strip of bacon.  Anyways, there is something I just don't get about cutting just one fingernail.  Why the Hell does it make your whole hand feel so awkward then?  That whole area will just tingle then for days.  How does cutting the tiniest sliver of a dead, non-sensitive body part cause such a bizarre feeling?  You might say, "But Corey, then why don't you just cut all of your fingernails?"  My answer to that is that it's "premature".  It's not time yet in the rotation.  If I do that, then I have to check my toenails, too.  It just turns it into a whole production.  Usually, it wears me down and I do it though.  Not this time.  I'm gonna stand tough. 

Dammit!  I'm so weak.

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