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Monday, October 3, 2011

I'M EATING!

We've all been to that point in a relationship where you finally will fart or burp in front of the other person.  One might even get even with a spouse by performing the "Dutch Oven" where a fart is deployed under a blanket and then the blanket is forcefully held over the other spouses head allowing them a full nasal experience.  I'm not sure why passing gas seems like such a secret, because we all do it.  It's like being embarrassed by our poop stinking.  I've followed after many a person in the bathroom in my 42 years and I have yet to smell a good one.  So what is there to be embarrassed about?  Just with farts and burps, some of us may not have the intensity or frequency of others.  I for instance belch like a 6 year old sunflower girl drinking a non-carbonated beverage while others in the house (who shall remain nameless) loosen shingles on the roof when they let fly.  Similar to. . .


or bigger


or the the biggest


Not to seem like a total little girl, I can flap one out the back end with the best of 'em.  Not quite as good as. . .


but better than this. . . 


                                 
                                        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=346tqdP5UJ8

Someone once told my wife that they made a rule in their marriage to leave the room when the urge came upon them to fog out of either end.  This seemed like a good plan so we adopted it as our own.  For awhile, everyone obliged and the main living areas of the house were a pleasant sounding and smelling place to be.  As time wore on, "exceptions" started becoming commonplace.  For instance, if we were in a car, then an individual could let fly.  We don't need any internal fart tummy aches to dampen a vacation.  Then the excuses got weaker and weaker. If a person is sneezing, they can't be held accountable for whatever shoots from any orifice of the body.  Finally, it is to the point where "I'm already sitting down" is an exemption.  The one rule that overrides all exemptions however is if someone is eating.  So if you do not want to hear any of these noises while you are eating, you need to broadcast VERY LOUDLY ahead of time that you are about to eat.


This lead to all new arguments, however, like if sucking on an ice cube or drinking a beverage really counts as eating for instance.  Someone forgot to tell the dog the rule all along.  Somehow just because he only understands the word "Treat", he got out of the whole thing.  And he is the worst habitual offender of all of us.  He's almost as bad as (You HAVE to watch this one) . . . .


                            
                           http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xFaJUZRkQM

OMG!  Forget the dutch oven.  Now that all bets are off, the next time Andi pisses me off, she just may get a "Cup o cheese", as long as she's not eating of course.

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