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Saturday, October 22, 2011

I'm Not Annie Oakley, Bitch!

It seems like I have an inordinate amount of posts about bodily functions.  Maybe that's because I have an inordinate amount of bodily functions.  It always amuses me when people say they have diarrhea and that they went "5 times" that day.  When I go 5 times in a day, I call it something else. . . Tuesday.  I've heard people say "wow, I went 3 times today".  You know what 3 times in a day is to me. . . constipation.  okay, you get the idea.  When my daughter Lukah was little, we went to a parent teacher conference at Washington School.  Naturally, we had sat down for approximately 2 minutes and I had to make a poo (I was gonna say "shit" but I am talking about a grade school, dammit).  So, I excused myself and went to the little boys room.  Now if anyone has ever shit there, the toilets are up on these platforms with only little half walls.  In other words, your genitalia is covered but your head is displayed like cattle in a pen leaving you open for mockery and ridicule.

In fact, I remember when I was a child, Marketplace Mall in Champaign had a similar design in it's bathroom.  My dad went in to do his business and my brother and I started making "Moo" sounds very loudly as our little joke.  My dad did not think this was so funny and was giving us the "you better knock it off right now, jackasses" stink eye.  We couldn't even play it off like it was someone else because his head was sticking up so he could see us.  Don't worry, we got better at being stupid as we got older.  So anyway, I was alone when I proceeded to grunt one out.  

Just as I was thinking "well, this isn't as humiliating as I thought", in walks a mild acquaintance at that time.  Now, guy urinal etiquette says "No eye contact, no looking down (especially away from your own urinal), and under no circumstances speak".  I was assuming similar rules apply to #2 but maybe even more stringent.  However, this friend looked right at my disembodied head and said "How's it going?".   I was wanting to say, "Actually I'm having some trouble.  Could you come over here and push on my tummy?"  But what I actually said was "Fine" because I just wanted the conversation to end as quickly as possible to put this awkward moment behind me.  At least I could sit on the toilet perpendicular as God intended.  Today, we took Lukah to get her cast off and naturally within 5 minutes of being in the examination room with her, I had to go burn a mule.  So, I find the bathroom which is clear out of the office and down the hall mind you (convenient).  I go to sit down and the damn toilet roll holder is mounted too close to the toilet.

Wouldn't you think they would give her a test drive before they drill holes in the tile for the final mounting.  Maybe, I spend so much time in the throne room that I'm the only one who thinks of this shit.  Hell, it should be a government appointed position to give these a trial run before they are allowed to finish the installation.   I can tell you one thing.  I did not enjoy going side saddle.  Goddammit, I'm not Annie F**kin' Oakley.

  It did not offer me the leverage and comfort that I am accustomed to but I got by and even made it back to the room in time to see Lukah get her cast off.  Toilet stories.  I got a million of 'em.  Hmm.  Let's see.  Where do I have a lot of down time that I could get some of these jotted down?  AHA.  Laptop. . . bathroom,  HERE I COME!  We'll just end this with a list (these were all in college by the way).  5 guys + Lotsa beer = No shit paper.

5 Things I Have Wiped With That I Bet You Haven't:
1.  Coffee filters
2.  Paper bag
3.  Corn stalk leaves
4.  Notebook paper
5.  My own underwear

By the way, that last one just got thrown away, not washed and re-worn.  I guess if I was smart, I would have used my roommate's grungies.

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