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Monday, November 7, 2011

Bowling? Couldn't We Just Juggle Chainsaws Or Something?

There have been many great sports injuries over the years.  Remember Joe Theisman's leg-snapping injury.  I remember quivering when I saw it on t.v so many years ago.

This next one is the scariest one I have ever seen.  Clint Malarchuk was playing goalie for the Buffalo Sabres in 1989 when a player's skate literally slit his throat.  A doctor rushed onto the ice and saved his life.  They said if the doctor had been sitting at the other end, he would be dead.

Broken bones and stitches are common in wrestling.  Check out this painful montage. YUCK!

And lastly, I was appalled when I read about this horrendous intentional injury from Ben Christensen to Anthony Molina in a college baseball game.  I am embarrassed to say it (as a Cubs fan) but Christensen went on to pitch for years in the Cubs minor league system.  You will be as dumbfounded as I am.  Read it here and see the chicken shit loser here.

Yeah, nice excuse asshole.  You beaned him in the on deck circle because you thought he was timing your pitches.  Here's a news flash asswipe-THAT'S WHAT THE ON DECK CIRCLE IS FOR!  He should have ended up playing for the Illinois penal league, not the Cubs.  I have played most of those sports and the worst injury I ever got was some stitches from a wrestling match.  Certainly nothing like this.

I just want to cry watching that one.  I even played on the Rugby team in college for a year and wasn't injured.  For those of you intrigued by Rugby, don't ask me the intricacies of the game because I still barely understood it by the end of the season.  Let's just say that there was a lot of me running around faking like I knew.

I think the parties after the Rugby matches were where the real danger was at with people jumping off of houses naked with toilet paper sticking out of their cracks and such.  You've got to love a sport where you call time out to head to the sideline to chug a beer.  Now to the point of this blog.  With all of these great sports injuries, what sport poses the greatest health risk to the Case and extended Case family.  BOWLING!  You know that sport where the uh "athletes" look like this.

My wife texted me today to tell me that her team at work was going bowling for a group outing.  I hope she has our health insurance card with her.  Now I know that bowling is not the sport that comes to mind when talking about danger.  However, my nephew Christopher (God love him), managed to require stitches from getting hit in the head with a bowling ball at a birthday party.  I was under the false impression that it took something sharp (not round and smooth) to cause an injury requiring stitches.  My eyes have been opened.  Surely, that was just a fluke.  The only injuries bowling causes would be the occasional thrown out back by 90 year old guys in yellow pants.  So last year, Callahan brought home an exceptional report card and we decided to reward him with a round of bowling.  About the 3rd frame in, I let go of my ball and felt a shooting pain up my finger clear to my wrist.  That was odd, I thought.  I tried to pick up my ball to go for the remaining 9 pins and the spare from that magnificent first roll and I could not pick up the ball.  It felt like my finger was being ripped off to lift any weight with it at all.  So, I had to bowl the rest of the game with my finger outside the ball.  That is my excuse for bowling an 89 and I am sticking to it.  A trip to the doctor showed that I had torn at least one of the pulleys that holds the tendon to the bone in my finger.

If I just left it at rest, it didn't hurt.  But to straighten it or bend it completely absolutely killed.  We are at a year and a half later and I still experience pain to a lesser degree when doing either thing previously mentioned.  I was told it would heal on it's own over time and to try not to use that finger much.  This was my middle finger on my dominant hand.  How the Hell am I supposed to flip the bird at jackasses?  I guess now would be a good time for you douche bags out there to piss me off.  And what about my aspiring heavy metal career with our band "Throat Yogurt" (thanks, Newt).  This could set us back learning to play instruments until our reunion tour.  Damn kid anyhow.  Why did he have to improve his grades.  Now I'm maimed for life.  I can tell you what.  If I had been in the movie "Kingpin" with all of those bowling scenes, I would have been motioning to my stunt double.  It should definitely be left to daredevils and stunt men.

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