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Thursday, November 3, 2011

Dave Coulier's Not Your Dad, Is He?

So we used to really like FlatTop Grill.

We really liked it until the time that Andi and I ate there for a lunch one day with only one child in tow.  We all got the water and the single bowl trip with one of them being a student bowl.  We about shit when we were handed a bill for over $30. . . . . for lunch . . . . with a child . . . . drinking water. . . . .for one bowl of food each.  I hadn't looked at a menu in awhile but those prices seem a tad crazy to me.

$12.99 for one bowl of food at Supper.  WOW.  When they came by to ask me if I was going for a 2nd bowl, I was fighting not to say "Hold on.  Let me make some calls to the bank to see if I can move some funds around first or get some financing."  We pretty much decided right then that they had priced themselves out of us eating there anymore.  We decided that we could just make it at home with a little chopping for MUCH cheaper.  So, believe it or not, IGA actually has a wonderful assortment of sauces. We bought a bunch of them and whipped up many a bowl that tastes exactly the same as anything I have ever gotten at FlatTop.

The final kicker for FlatTop with us was when we went there one day and they were extremely busy.  there must have been a billionaire's convention in town or something.  Even though I hate this, we let them seat us at the bar.  Well, normally bartender's are charismatic and personable to the customers.  This one made us feel like we were sitting between Harry and Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber.

She proceeded to completely interrupt Andi and my conversation to launch into the worst attempt at stand-up comedy I have ever heard.  I actually caught myself longing for the comic stylings of Dave Coulier at one point.

Okay, maybe not.  Anyways, her routine went like this (which she actually tried to deliver like a stand-up comic with hand gestures and everything).  "So, I got up this morning and my car is a piece of crap.  It hadn't been starting lately, like cars will do.  I was running kind of late and was in a real hurry.  Now I am not a real spiritual person but when I got in my car, I said 'God, please let my car start today'.  So, I put my key in the ignition, turned it and it started."  Then, she looked at us for some sort of laughter or reassurance that she hadn't just wasted the last 2 minutes of our lives.  We might have given her this (not laughter) but she had rudely barged right into our conversation so she got nothing.  In fact, Andi and I just kind of looked at her like "surely you forgot the punchline and will get back to us".  I wanted to do this but didn't.

Then without a word, we looked back at each other and continued our conversation.  The whole thing reminded me of a story one of my roommates in college told us about when he was in high school (he had a way of telling stories with no point that actually made it kind of funny, because then we would give him so much shit).  He said, "a bunch of us were going to the football game so we piled in the back of my friend's pickup truck.  A girl jumped in on my leg so I said 'Get off my leg bitch'."  My other roommate and I looked at each other waiting for more to the story like that a meteor landed in the bed of the truck killing everyone involved.   That ending never came.  That was the end of the story.  Because I did not know her, I didn't feel comfortable giving this FlatTop bartender shit about her story but I should have just thrown one back at her.  I could have shown her how a story is supposed to be at the very least, interesting.  "Nice story bartender.  Now I got one for you.  No, screw that.  MY TURN!  You can mix that damn drink later, sit your ass down.  So, I woke up this morning in a puddle of urine with a carrot sticking out of my crack.  My ass was half shaved and the dog was walking around with a limp.  The blender was running with some sort of brownish corn mixture in it and the refrigerator was unplugged and on the porch roof.  Then all of the sudden, my grandma busted through the door and yelled 'Thanks for last night, stud!'  So, I loaded the limping dog into the car to go to the vet, turned the key in the ignition, and guess what. . . . it started."  You know, if I had actually done that, I just might have been asked to not come back to FlatTop anyways.

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