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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Hey, Thanks For The Stain

We got a new washing machine.  We didn't want to get a new washing machine but we had to due to my plumbing skills falling somewhere between "shitty" and "Goddammit, would you just call someone".  On a side note, I put my electrician skills slightly better from mediocre to "I'm telling you I'm most likely not gonna burn the Goddamn house down". Anyways, the whole thing started as a simple procedure that the fellas at work assured me I could do myself.  I just needed to change the shower stems in our master bath as they had been stripped since before we moved in 8 years ago.  They were at the point where I was ready to just clamp some vice grips on them to use for handles.  For you folk that don't know what vice grips are, it would look like this.



Jeff Foxworthy if you're reading, I want credit for that if you use this idea for a "you might be a redneck joke".  Well, this simple procedure started off with a snag.  I couldn't get one of the old ones out.  After a call to one of the work buds that talked me into this, he was kind enough to help me and bring the tools that I did not have but needed (so much for me thinking I have every tool on the planet.  Guess I better get shopping) and we finally got it out.  He left.  So what should have been just a simple "screw the new ones in, get naked, and shower" turned into 3 weeks of plumber visits, all new plumbing to the shower, new shower head (getting new plumbing, why not?), and a crispy washing machine.  What happened was when I screwed the new ones in, they would not seat deep enough for some reason.  So even with the shower completely off, there still was a steady run of water.  I am not a complete idiot though as the plumber had no luck with it either.  Eventually, it all was fixed and we finally got to shower with the new shower head.  We soon discovered that our water pressure went from being shot with a fire hose to being spritzed with a spray bottle.  I opted to change the shower head.  Oops, better call the plumber first and tell him to clear next month's calendar.  In fact, with all of our torquing on everything previously, we had secured a leak as well.  Now this leak happened to fall directly into the electronics of the washing machine.  That is just the kind of luck I possess.  I also learned that I am not an appliance repairman but I kind of wish I was.  I could go into people's basements and charge them 50 bucks to shine a flashlight on something, spout a made up technical term,

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and then say "Yeah, it's broke.  I wouldn't fix it".  So, we headed to Lowe's and picked out our new underwear fart smell remover washer.  It was delivered today and the delivery guys were nice enough to throw in a free carpet staining as I was met with this once they left.


Well, at least we have near white carpet so it shows up really well.  In all fairness, maybe I checked a box somewhere when we bought it.


I especially like how these guys left with no mention of this to me.  There is no way in Hell that they didn't notice this.  Now maybe they were thinking "Hey, he just got a new washing machine.  He can roll up the carpet and cram it in there".  As evenly spaced as the spots are, I am sure that there was oil on the wheel of the dolly.  Maybe, after the first spot, they could have stopped and wiped the wheel.  That's just me.  They knew it on Seinfeld.  It's just common courtesy to wipe your wheels.


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So, I got to spend the last 20 minutes of freedom before I had to be at work scrubbing the Hell out of the carpet with Windex (it cleans everything).  Then I got to go over it all again today and think I may have finally gotten it all up.  When scrubbing it today with actual carpet cleaner, I noticed some interesting rhetoric on the carpet cleaner label.


Do you see it?  It says "FOAM CARPET CLEANER" and then down below "SAFE FOR CARPETS".  Well, no shit.  I was gonna wash my f**kin' asshole with it but if you're telling me that my carpet cleaner is safe for carpets then I just might try that instead.  I guess I'll just have to find something else for my asshole.  AHA, Axe Body Spray!  I just have a hard time seeing how it would pay off for a company to make a carpet cleaner that is unsafe for carpets, but that's just me.


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