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Friday, November 11, 2011

Oh My God, Please Zip It

Little kids.  They say whatever they want, whenever they want.  Up to a certain age, they have not learned the mental stops that most of us eventually learn through maturity or at least from getting smacked around a little bit.  They also pick up on the tiniest cues of what you do not want them to pick up on all the while ignoring the good examples all around them.  I am convinced that a child could sit through a whole sermon at church and then pick out only the word "Hell" to repeat in a curse word fashion.  In fact, that is probably what happened when Mikah was 4 years old and we were unpacking the Christmas decorations.  She pulled out a Santa ornament that had melted over the Summer and loudly exclaimed, "What the Hell is this supposed to be?"  It kind of looked like this but meltier.

After picking my tongue up off the floor, we had to explain to her that using "Hell" in that manner was cursing and we don't cuss (yeah, right).  When Lukah was very little and I was driving her to 1st grade, she sweetly asked, "Daddy, what's pole dancing?"  I like to blame this single instance for my high blood pressure now.  I wanted to stress to her that behind prostitute and serial murderer, that this was the last occupation she would be allowed to pursue.  However, I just asked her where she had heard that.  The dirty culprit was an episode of King of Queens.

Now, I have seen that show many times and do not recall loads of references to strippers so I am assuming that this was the 1 thing she pulled from what I assume was an episode NOT all about strippers.  It was probably something that occurred in the episode while a responsible adult was in the bathroom and was over by the time they got back being none the wiser.  Now if that last one did not push my blood pressure to a near fatal point, this one sure did.  This happened about 7 years ago when Cal was 3 years old.  I was tired of working in the factory part where I work and put in for a job up in the office doing kind of what I went to school for.  I had a good interview, felt confident, and really wanted the job.  The next day, I was pushing Cal in a shopping cart at Lowe's and we ran into the guy that gave me the interview.  I didn't really know him at that time, so I took this as an extra opportunity to shmooze him.  We exchanged some pleasantries and I started to move on only to have Callahan start yelling "Chicken Butt!" repeatedly at him.  I was muttering as threateningly as I could at him in a whisper yell, "Shutup.  Oh my God.  Please shutup."  He kept yelling it and I wheeled away as fast as possible but then felt I had better go back and explain.  We had watched a King of the Hill earlier where Luanne's boyfriend Buckley had taunted Hank by calling him "Chicken Butt" everytime Hank had said "What?"  I couldn't find a clip of that one but here is one of Buckley's ghost doing the same joke on Luanne (watch the 1st minute).

Luckily my future boss (yes, I actually still got the job) had a great sense of humor and was even a King of the Hill fan.  He still calls my son Chicken Butt to this day, 7 years later.  I just couldn't believe that out of that whole episode, that is what the 3 year old's brain chose to memorize and regurgitate at the worst possible time.  Callahan had another instance a few years ago.  He liked to get on on Christmas Eve and follow Santa around the globe on the Santa Tracker on the web site.  It shows you a map and then where Santa is at in the world at that exact moment.  It even offers videos of the flight so I ran excitedly when Cal announced that Santa was in "Nipple".  Imagine my disappointment when I got to the monitor and saw. . .

Damn, and I was really wanting to see a nipple.  Sometimes I envy kids, though, and wish that I could just walk up to someone, lick my finger, jam it in their ear, skip around them chanting "You smell like corn cockies" and get away with it.  Maybe I'll just save that for when I want a promotion.

1 comment:

  1. I've just installed iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.