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Monday, December 24, 2012

We Wish You A . . . . .

"All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth!. . . . And a few on the side. . . . And maybe a couple in the back."

"Oh yeah, and some more meth!"

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Heeerrreee's Cooorrreeeey!

For the last few years, we have gone to a costume party the weekend before Halloween and this year I was having a hard time coming up with a costume.  It was either go as a giant hot dog from the rack at Wal-Mart or use the magical world of the internet for something other than hairy German grandmother porn.  I chose the latter and by googling "funny Halloween costumes" came across what I think is the most brilliant costume ever.  So, I borrowed (in the same way that Jesse James "borrowed" all of that money from those banks 140 years ago) the idea.  I grabbed some old wood and trim from the garage and this is the result.

I used a little make-up to give myself pointier eyebrows and the crazy hair sticking down.  Here is a closer view.

And the full body shot.  I had to get a shirt from the Lighthouse thrift store to complete the ensemble.

I hung the picture below it to wear on Halloween itself to show kids what I was supposed to be.  I didn't have it on there for the party because I figured most adults would know.  I mean who hasn't seen. . . .

I wish I could say that the costume was my idea but it wasn't.  It also wasn't my idea to dress the newest Case "Sadie" up as a witch either.  She looks less than thrilled about the idea.  In fact, she looks like she's switching into kill mode.

And Kersten (daughter's bff) wanted to put on my "head on a tray" costume from last year to scare kids with (see last year's blog post ) but just ended up looking like the happiest corpse on the planet or beyond.

Lastly, I will show you the children's pumpkin carving efforts.  Actually "designing" efforts on Lukah and Cal's as I had to do the actual carving from their drawings.  Now if we had only remembered to actually light them before trick or treating was over.  Oooops.  Well, here's Mikah's.

Lukah's creation.

And lastly, Cal's.

We actually handed out candy this year because for the first time, the kids were all too old.  However, if I went by some of the trick or treaters that I had, I'm not too sure that I'm too old.  One of the last ones we had actually sported a full beard.  It was real, too, and I think his wife was trick or treating with him.  Oh well, we actually had a half of a bowl left over so we get some treats now that there is none to steal, uh I mean "borrow" from the kids.  Hope you all had a

Friday, October 26, 2012

Too Scary For Perry (last book in the series)

Sorry I haven't posted much in so long but I am kind of taking a break.  I am running out of ideas and am getting kind of burned out.  Therefore, I have just decided to live life for awhile.  I may still put a sporadic post every now and again so please bear with me.  Anyways, here is the last of the children's book series that I wrote and illustrated.  Perry Rabbit felt bad about almost killing a turkey at Thanksgiving, helped a homeless family at Christmas, kidnapped the Easter Bunny, and redeemed himself to a veteran on the 4th of July.  So please check out what kind of trouble he can find at Halloween.


Friday, October 19, 2012

Corey's Thought Of The Day

I think that potential grocery store bagger's should not have to submit an application or have an interview.  They should be lead into a dark room, set in front of a Tetris game and if they can get past level 5, they are hired.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

10 More Observations (Part 3)

1.  How come on t.v. when they say "everyone is talking about it", I've never heard anyone mention whatever it was they were talking about EVER!

2.  Ever notice how "tourist" and "terrorist" sound so much alike?  Do you think there has ever been a foreigner detained at the airport for calling themselves a "tourist"?

3.  Why do the Kardashian girls over-emphasize and drawl every third or fourth word?  "The way they TAAALK drives me CRAZYYYY.  I want to GOOUUGE out my EEAARRDDRRUUMMSS with a number 2 PENNCILL!"  Seriously listen to Kourtney talk starting at the 20 second mark.


4.  Why do people think that just because they preface it with "No offense but. . . " that they are then free to insult you with no hard feelings?  "No offense, but it seems since graduation that you have added a small cow to your body weight."

5.  I love those male enhancement pill commercials where they say to call a doctor if you have an erection lasting 4 hours or longer.  4 HOURS OR LONGER, F**K CALLING A DOCTOR.  THAT'S AMAZING, I'M CALLING MY F**KIN' FRIENDS!

6.  Why do hotels and casinos (and hotel casinos for the double whammy) always have the ugliest, gaudiest carpet that you would NEVER put in your house.  This is the actual carpet from our Doubletree Hotel on our trip to Chicago last week.  I swear I just expect to stare at it like one of those Magic Eye posters and all of the sudden I'll see a whale or something.

7.  How many more trees would there be in the world if it wasn't for Publisher's Clearing House?  I got 2 different ones in the mail on the same day.  This is the pile from all of the inserts.

It makes me weep for poor Akwa (click, whistle, click) Bugwola in the rain forest.

8.  It annoys me the way they wrap presents on t.v. and movies.  They always wrap the box and the lid separately so the recipient just has to take the wrapped lid off the box to get to the present.  I mean really, who the f**k wraps this way?  I am excusing it on this clip because it is from the greatest show ever made "Saved By The Bell" but watch starting at minute 3:02 to see what I mean.

9.  Okay, it's official.  I have the coolest mom ever.  This was her Easter bonnet this year and I'm not even joking.  Sort of canceled out the Easter prayer, though.

10.  Who needs acid or heroin when you can look at this stuff?

Seriously, that is freaking amazing.  These really aren't moving.  It's an eye trick.  I've never been so dumbfounded and want to throw up so badly at the same time in my life.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012


Well, I have reached the absolute high point in every lawn mower's (the person, not the machine) life.  My swingset and I have come to an amicable divorce.

It didn't start out that way as I had plans to go the Dahmer route and cut her up and throw her in the garbage.  That seemed like work so I thought that there had to be a way to get rid of her that involved more beer drinking and sitting than sweating and cutting.  Then I had an idea to put it on craigslist for free.  Surely, for free someone would just take it.  I assumed someone would take a turd as long as it was free.  So, I listed it and almost immediately the calls and emails poured in.  Over the course of 4 weeks, I had 3 "I'm coming to look at it's", and 4 "I'm taking it but will have to come get it in a few days".  At the end of 4 weeks, I looked in my yard and saw (see above).  Not one of those people even came to look at it, yet alone take it.  I mean really, why even bother to inquire then?  Finally 2 days before it was about to get butchered, a very nice man from Springfield emailed and said he was taking it.  I let him know that I had heard that before and that it was getting destroyed this weekend so if he wanted it, he had to show up by then.  I'll be damned if 8 times was the charm.  He actually showed up, took it, and gave me 2 free chili seasonings to boot (he makes it himself).  He said that he was going to fix it up for his granddaughter, so I asked if he would send me pics when he got done.  He actually did.  You ready for this because it's really UNBELIEVABLE!

Are you shitting me?  That thing looks better than when I entered this family 15 f**king years ago!  Uh, I changed my mind.  I think I want $300 for it now.  It occurred to me later why I had so much trouble getting rid of the swingset.  It was because I put "FREE" on it.  If I would have put "$5, or will trade for chili seasoning", I truly think I would have gotten rid of it much faster.  I think if I put a dollar on craigslist for free, no one would take it but if I tried . . . 

I bet this would be snatched up instantly.  Of course, I wouldn't take less than $1.50 and some paprika. Anyways, back to the story.  My yard is so much easier to mow now.  There are not 10 extra little circles to trim around.  It's bittersweet as it means my babies are growing up, but now I can just floor the rider and let her eat.

I bet Mr. "Chili Springfield" mowed once and said "what the Hell did I just do?"  As I mowed this week (I caught myself actually bitching to myself that I had to mow for the 4th time all year, spoiled bastard), I think I found a potential "Callahan going to be ornery in the near future to his sister" stash.

This is what I came across.

It's a large pile of empty locust shells.  Now I either stumbled upon the locust portal to Hell or what I believe is Callahan's secret summer stash of sister scare stratagems.  There, take that alliteration.  I made that alliteration my bitch.  I asked him about it and just got an evil grin.  


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Debbie May Do Dallas, But Corey Does Chi-Town (Day 3)

Saturday was when we were coming home but not before stopping by the Taste of Chicago first.  Well, guess what.  It hasn't rained in months, but the Case's got poured on again.  Noah can kiss my ass.  We got there in time to be front row for a free concert by Disney channel stars Shayleigh (no last name like Cher or Carrot Top) and Roshon Fegan.

Don't know who he is?  Ever seen Shake It Up?  Bet your kids have.

or why don't you mention the show we've actually heard of jackass, duh, Dancing With The Stars?

Shayleigh sang first.  Wait, or is that Carrot Top?

Then came Mikah's future husband as she refers to him now.  Yes, both girls got to meet him.

Lukah and Roshon Fegan (or her future brother-in-law according to Mikah). 

 Lukah and Cal even made a music video to one of his songs when we got home.  I thought they did a good job and it looked almost real so here it is.  Who knew that Cal had the moves like Jagger?  Oops, wrong song.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Debbie May Do Dallas, But Corey Does Chi-Town (Day 2)

On Friday, we had bleacher seats for the Cub game.  Luckily it was only 112 degrees that day.

The infamous Cubs sign.

We actually made it on t.v. during the start of the 3 hour and 40 minute rain delay.  THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID 3 HOUR 40 MINUTE RAIN DELAY.  They could have played a whole other game with as long as that delay was.  So, people say I looked pissed off in the picture.  I am actually just bored to death because there is not much to watch at Wrigley during a rain delay.

I know.  I will watch a drunk girl pass out during the national anthem on her 21st birthday.  I nudged Andi when I saw her doing the "close one eye" during "the dawn's early light", by "the rocket's red glare" she was swaying, and during "flag was still there" she wadded up her purse and was out.  I'm not so sure this is what Francis Scott Key had in mind.

Harry Caray statue looking like he's about to bust out a rhyme.

Our neighbor (Cal's brother he never had) and 2 other Clintonians happened to be in the bleachers at the same game so we all sat together.  Here they are waiting to get in to the rain delay.

Cal got a ball during batting practice as did Mikah and all of the Clinton boys.  One landed right next to me but I was texting and the piranhas scooped in and got it before I could even react.

The boys showing off their (ahem) balls.

Hmmm.  Was this before or after the rain delay?  I can't tell.

There's no hugging in baseball!

Cubs won 8-1.  Soriano went 4 for 4 with 2 homeruns and 2 doubles.  I'm not trying to take credit here but it's plain to see that he kept looking up at me for batting tips.