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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Someone Please Call PETA!

Look at what my other half and the oldest of the younger 1/3 (let's see, get a common denominator, add the numerator but not the . . . oh, heck, it was Andi and Mikah) did to the poor, defenseless mongrel.


And the "please God help me" pose.


So please call PETA today at 757-622-7382 and help stop that all too common problem of forcible canine swimwear cross-dressing.



Thursday, March 22, 2012

Man, If Shitting On The Lawn Were Only More Socially Acceptable

Guess what I had to do today.  I had to shit scoop the whole winter's worth of Vegas cakes due to mowing season coming early.  Damn, where is more winter when I need it.


It took me the better part of an hour and my back was absolutely killing me when I got done.  But man, what a hammie workout.  If I did that everyday, my legs would look like this.


But I don't and they don't.  It could be worse, though, as I have the best pooper scooper in the world.  I can't imagine a world before this wonderful invention.  This here is the Fecal Forager 9000.  Notice the long, sleek handle, yellow racing stripe, and deep bucket.  It's got a spring loaded cradle with "grabber teeth" option.  Now what do I have to do to put you in that shit scooper today?


And what was the dog doing as I was out breaking my back picking up 4,137 piles of his shit, you say?


Rough gig he's got there.  You know, now that I think about it, those two little bags really were not a lot of cargo for a whole, unseasonably warm winter's worth of butt bullets.  I can tell you that if I shit in the yard all winter (no, I haven't been drunk enough to do that yet you bastards), it would conservatively look like . . .


sans cow that is.  So what does a normal person do with all of the rump rockets they've collected?  Why, they make an Alfred E. Neuman out of the parts and pieces of course.  What did I arrange them with?  You'll never know.  Want to come over for dinner?  Here, let me get you a utensil, unassuming guest.


Don't call the white coat express for me quite yet.  I actually did it to send in to Mad Magazine for their big easel contest every month where you make an "Alfred" out of any medium you can find.  They always brag about their toilet humor, so why not?


Hell, I've even got several of their toilet readers.

I got them for Christmas.  Let's see, four large volumes.  These should last me 'til St. Patty's day.  I had used ones on my list because they can be kind of expensive.  Hmmm, a used toilet reader.  Sounds kinda gross.  Ah, it'll be okay.  I'll just wash my hands twice.













Sunday, March 18, 2012

Ward, I Think You Were a Little Hard On The Beaver. . .

For the last few years, Lukah, Cal and I watched Saved By The Bell every day from 7-8 A.M. before school.



It was a tradition.  I also considered this educational for them to see what school was like back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.  Besides it was fun to watch their reactions at clothing and hair styles or trying to convince them that Zack wasn't talking into a toaster.


Ah, simpler times.  Your principal was your best friend and high schoolers could get a heroin buzz from NoDoz.



Well, this school year, we were met with bad news.  Saved By The Bell was gone.  The fiends!  Now what the Hell were we gonna watch?

 

Sorry about the swearing Mr. Belding.  Well, in a first day of school panic, we surfed the channels.  We decided on. . . 


which was all fine and dandy for awhile but I soon realized that I had seen all of these a million times.  So back to the clicker.  I thought I would try something old school and we soon settled on. . .


I wasn't sure what the kids would think because it was made in the 50's and 60's but it has been a hit with Cal.  The wild thing was that once I started watching it, the houses started looking familiar.  So, I looked it up on imdb.com and sure enough, the Leave It To Beaver house is one I had seen in the Universal Studios backlot tour last year.  


It actually is on Wisteria Lane from Desperate Housewives.


Well, we've all heard about the classic "Beaver" line that no one seems to know if it was actually said or not.  They recited it in the Revenge of the Nerds during the talent show.  

"What was the dirtiest thing ever said on television?"

"Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."  

I can't vouch for that line but I did here June say in an episode where Beaver ran away, "Ward, are you going to get in that car and go look for Beaver or not?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Whew, let me catch my breath a minute.  And yes, I am twelve.  Another line I recently heard that amused me and showed me how different of a time it was back then was when Ward and June thought Wally was smoking.  June says, "Wally promised he wouldn't start smoking until he was old enough."  Ha,Ha.  I guess it is just a given that he will smoke someday because evidently cancer hadn't been invented yet, but he promised to wait until he is old enough.

On a similar note, there was an episode where Beaver's friend Larry got into his father's pipe tobacco and tried to get Beaver to smoke it.  Due to a bathroom visit by me (I know that is a big shocker to any of my blog followers), I was behind in the episode.  I asked Cal what was going on in the show and he told me that "Larry wanted Beaver to smoke tobacco in his bagpipe."

"Uh, in his bagpipe?" asked Corey.

"Yup, in his bagpipe," said Cal.

I thought it was cute so I just let that one go.  I guess there is even a Leave It To Beaver movie from 1997 that I didn't know about so that has even made it onto my birthday list now.  I am curious to see if they put any hidden dirty Beaver references in it.  Huh, huh, Beavis, he said "dirty beaver".

Friday, March 16, 2012

Guess Who's Back?

I got up the other morning to a familiar sound that about had me scrambling for the eardrum gouger.  No, it wasn't Shatner singing Eminem.


It was caused by my old nemesis from last Spring.  He is a dastardly foe.  He's got the roar of a lion, strength of ten men, and courage of a tailgunner.  I muttered to myself "Heeee's baaaacckkk."  I say "he" but for all I know it could be a "she".  Where do you look for a wiener on these things anyways?


Some of you may be saying to yourself "What's the big deal?  It's just a little birdie".  It's the audio version of the Chinese water torture.


Peck, peck, peck.  What the Hell did Plankton just say?  Where is Squidward going?  I couldn't hear it over that incessant tapping on the glass.  It never ends.  Wonder why Edgar Allen Poe was so f**ked up?

The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more."
You know he was talking about a Goddam bird, right?  A lice wearing, car shitting bird.  I have proof right there that they have at least been bugging the shit out of people for almost 200 years.  Menace!  Scourge!  They eat worms you know.  How weird is that?  You can judge for yourself how annoying this is from the video I shot of this miscreant last year.


Now this video is only a minute so multiply that times 900 waking minutes in a day and you can understand why this year I may have to hire an assassin.  Yes, a birdie hit man.  Not sure what they charge but I don't think I will go over $4.17 if you know anyone.  Let's just check the want ads.  I want the right man for the job.  Don't want to take any chances.  Ah, yes, sir you got the job. 


Could you possibly get your hands on another rocket launcher.  You know just to be sure.  I already know he's not right so I don't want him just wounded and looking for revenge.  After all, remember the Holy Grail?














Monday, March 12, 2012

And Along Came A Spicket

A couple of years ago, Andi came racing from the shower and exclaimed, "Oh my God.  There is the biggest bug I have ever seen in my life in the shower!"  Being the man, I offered her a look of "Oh come now, I'm sure it is just a tiny ladybug or earwig.  I know how you women exaggerate".  Notice, how I said that I gave her a "look" of this and didn't actually say that.  I have learned over the years to not say certain things because I like sleeping in my comfy bed as opposed to the sofa.  Well, off I headed with my manly courage to slay the demon bug thus saving my damsel in distress and the entire Case kingdom.  I slung the shower curtain open fully expecting to see a normal bug and was met with this.




Good God, I thought she said it was a bug.  It looked like something that would drag me off into the forest and roll me up in a leaf to save for winter.  She actually stayed in the shower with that thing the whole time she showered just keeping an eye on it for any sudden moves.  This would have been me.


I looked down at my "smashing" slipper in my hand and then backed out slowly, smiling at it.  No way in Hell was that gonna do it.  Getting rid of that thing was gonna take a large dictionary or possibly even some low grade dynamite.  I finally decided that a live capture was my best option as I didn't want to risk a botched squashing to then have this monster bug WOUNDED and PISSED OFF AT ME.  I actually ended up getting a cup and a book (thank God for the big refillable drinks from Shell or I don't know if we would have had a cup big enough) and got the cup over it and then slid the book behind the cup trapping it.  I did the catch and release outside.  I wanted to drive it to Australia to release it just to make sure it didn't come back but I can only hold my breath under water for 40 seconds.  We looked it up on the internet and found out it is called a camel-back cricket.  It has the body of a cricket but grasshopper legs.  One of our daughter's friends was over and called it a spicket (spider-cricket).  She said that they were all over their property.  Uh, do you need the number for a good realtor, daughter's friend?  The next Summer, I had an encounter with an even scarier bug I had never seen before.  I was sitting on a noodle in the pool with my head resting on the edge.  My daughter yelled, "There is a giant bug right by your head!"  After that damn shower monster, I was gonna take bug warnings a little more seriously from now on.  So I turned my head to see this about 2 inches from my face.


SON OF A BITCH!  AAAAAAAAHHHHH!  I was instantly half way across the pool.  Wtf?  This looked like a praying mantis with a half of a circular saw blade on it's back.  Andi was up on the deck and said "I want to see it."  So, I mustered up some courage (big man with a 6 foot noodle buffer) and held my noodle up to it nudging it.  It finally crawled onto the end of the noodle and I started walking it across the pool to Andi.  All of the sudden this demon critter took off 100 miles an hour down the noodle at me.  I screamed like a little girl getting a Barbie for Christmas and threw that noodle faster than Nolan Ryan ever thought about.  That cocksucker was not scared of me one bit and was ready for a rumble.  Shit, where was that Spicket when I needed it?  It might have had my back for not killing it.  Luckily, the thing then went away instead of going on a bloody rampage.  We found it on the internet, too and evidently it is a Wheel Bug.  On a funny note, when I was searching for a picture of this bug for the blog, the first one that came up was. . .


Why are animal's mating so damn funny?  Just to end this post on a cheerier and less creepy note, put on some Barry White and enjoy other animals doing it doggy style (not sure why but they all seem to do it that way).

"Just pick any fold, dear."

"Dammit, why is this the only thing you are too fast at?"

"Wait a minute.  I just said I wanted to do some NECKING."

"You know, this trick is why you kept getting kicked out of the circus."

AND FINALLY. . . 


"When I suggested a 3-way, I kinda thought we'd both do the girl."







Thursday, March 8, 2012

10 Observations From My 43 Years Of Life

1.  Why do people clap at the end of movies in movie theaters?  Do they actually think the actors can hear them or did one person have a brain fart for a second, think they were at a play, clap accidentally and then everyone else just followed suit?

2.  Why don't Chinese restaurants just hand you a roll of toilet paper with your fortune printed on it instead of in a cookie when you are done eating?  I think they should just put a port-a-john in the parking lot because if I make it out of the restaurant without going, then I really have to go by the time I get there.

3.  You could not see any of your children for hours but just try to sneak away for 5 minutes to order a Christmas present online or to make marital relations (5 minutes!  WOOHOO!  We can do it twice and get in a game of solitaire!) and BOOM, here come all of your kids and usually a few neighborhood kids as well.

4.  If you find an error in your checkbook in YOUR favor, you can count on a car repair or unexpected doctor bill immediately.  One time, I found a $1000 error in my checkbook (no, I don't normally have $1000's in my checkbook.  It was after a tax return).  Literally, the next week the dog tore his ACL and gave us a $1500 vet bill.

5.  If you go into a bathroom and see a toilet paper roll put on this "underneath" way. . .


then a woman did it.  However, if you see one put on the correct "over the top" way. . .


then a man did it.  So much easier to get to.  You women need re-trained.

6.  If I go to Clinton Wal-Mart needing 2 of something, they will have 1.  If I need 1 of something, it will be back-ordered with no way to check of when it will be in.  If I need a red something, they will only have a blue something.  You get the idea.

7.  If I just reset all of the clocks in the house (which believe me is a staggering amount) for daylight savings time, the power will go out 2 days later for just long enough to screw up all of the clocks or vice versa.

8.  How come Yoder's Kitchen in Arthur, IL gives you one of those electronic, light up buzzers to let you know your table is ready?  Shouldn't they just send out a little boy in suspenders to whack you in the shin with a beautifully stained piece of oak instead?

9.  If I forget to put the Blue Cheese crumbles back in the fridge, how do I tell at what point it stops being Blue Cheese and just needs thrown away?

10.  If I am setting my alarm clock, let off the button and it stops on a not even number (like 10:32 instead of 10:30), I can't just leave it there.  I have an OCD moment and have to make it an even number like that 2 minutes is going to make all the difference in my day.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Schick Should Give Free Skin Graft Coupons

I need a shaving lesson.  I have only been doing it since 5th grade, which happened to be 1979.  Carter was president, the sweathogs ended their reign of bugging the shit out of Mr. Kotter and the Duke boys started their reign of bugging the shit out of Boss Hogg.  You would think that after 32 years, I would be able to do it right.  However, I am bleeding from somewhere after EVERY single time I shave.  Some days it's worse than others.  This day, I almost bled to death.


Some day, Andi may just come home and actually find this.  Well, anyway, I had to go in to work with this attractive bandage on my face as it bled for 5 hours.  It could have been worse because about 5 years ago, the only bandages in the house had Dora the Explorer or Barney on them.  I might have just chosen bleeding to death at that point.


Leaving it uncovered was not an option as some of the women might be grossed out if I just walked in with my face covered in blood like the loser from a steel cage death match.  Now, I don't think this is all my fault.  Part of it is because I am cheap and razors are expensive, so I know I don't replace them as often as I should.  In fact, sometimes I use them so long, I'm not too sure a spoon wouldn't work just as well.  The part that isn't my fault is that due to severe acne as a teenager, parts of my face resemble a relief map of the Andes mountains.


Thank God it is not that colorful or you could really see my scars.  My theory on the acne is that God was pre-punishing me for throwing parties in the church rectory in high school.  Better get comfortable in that confessional Father D.  You ain't goin' anywhere for awhile.  God, I hope Hell isn't really as hot as they say.  I mean "Gosh" just in case I'm on the border.  I seem to be getting worse at the shaving, too.  I don't know whether the older I get, I hurry it more or what.  I truly think one of these days, I will get done shaving and look in the mirror to see that freak from Hannibal that peeled off his face and fed it to his dogs staring back.


Maybe, I just need to look on amazon.com for a blood transfusion kit (they sell EVERYTHING on amazon, right?).  I could get a bag of blood from the fridge, plug it in to a vein, and wa la-ready to start shaving.


I just hope it can pump it in as fast as I am losing it.  Oh, and yes I do always make a snooty "Mr. Howell" face as I'm shaving.  I think the answer to this whole dilemma however might be to just go the "ZZ" route.


"She's got leeeegs.  And she knows how to shave them."  Thank God, I wasn't born a girl where I would have to shave almost EVERYWHERE.  I think after about 3 months, I would look like this.


I would probably end up going European.  I have always said that I would be the ugliest, hairiest girl you ever saw.


There, try to get that image out of your head!