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Thursday, March 8, 2012

10 Observations From My 43 Years Of Life

1.  Why do people clap at the end of movies in movie theaters?  Do they actually think the actors can hear them or did one person have a brain fart for a second, think they were at a play, clap accidentally and then everyone else just followed suit?

2.  Why don't Chinese restaurants just hand you a roll of toilet paper with your fortune printed on it instead of in a cookie when you are done eating?  I think they should just put a port-a-john in the parking lot because if I make it out of the restaurant without going, then I really have to go by the time I get there.

3.  You could not see any of your children for hours but just try to sneak away for 5 minutes to order a Christmas present online or to make marital relations (5 minutes!  WOOHOO!  We can do it twice and get in a game of solitaire!) and BOOM, here come all of your kids and usually a few neighborhood kids as well.

4.  If you find an error in your checkbook in YOUR favor, you can count on a car repair or unexpected doctor bill immediately.  One time, I found a $1000 error in my checkbook (no, I don't normally have $1000's in my checkbook.  It was after a tax return).  Literally, the next week the dog tore his ACL and gave us a $1500 vet bill.

5.  If you go into a bathroom and see a toilet paper roll put on this "underneath" way. . .

then a woman did it.  However, if you see one put on the correct "over the top" way. . .

then a man did it.  So much easier to get to.  You women need re-trained.

6.  If I go to Clinton Wal-Mart needing 2 of something, they will have 1.  If I need 1 of something, it will be back-ordered with no way to check of when it will be in.  If I need a red something, they will only have a blue something.  You get the idea.

7.  If I just reset all of the clocks in the house (which believe me is a staggering amount) for daylight savings time, the power will go out 2 days later for just long enough to screw up all of the clocks or vice versa.

8.  How come Yoder's Kitchen in Arthur, IL gives you one of those electronic, light up buzzers to let you know your table is ready?  Shouldn't they just send out a little boy in suspenders to whack you in the shin with a beautifully stained piece of oak instead?

9.  If I forget to put the Blue Cheese crumbles back in the fridge, how do I tell at what point it stops being Blue Cheese and just needs thrown away?

10.  If I am setting my alarm clock, let off the button and it stops on a not even number (like 10:32 instead of 10:30), I can't just leave it there.  I have an OCD moment and have to make it an even number like that 2 minutes is going to make all the difference in my day.

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