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Monday, March 12, 2012

And Along Came A Spicket

A couple of years ago, Andi came racing from the shower and exclaimed, "Oh my God.  There is the biggest bug I have ever seen in my life in the shower!"  Being the man, I offered her a look of "Oh come now, I'm sure it is just a tiny ladybug or earwig.  I know how you women exaggerate".  Notice, how I said that I gave her a "look" of this and didn't actually say that.  I have learned over the years to not say certain things because I like sleeping in my comfy bed as opposed to the sofa.  Well, off I headed with my manly courage to slay the demon bug thus saving my damsel in distress and the entire Case kingdom.  I slung the shower curtain open fully expecting to see a normal bug and was met with this.




Good God, I thought she said it was a bug.  It looked like something that would drag me off into the forest and roll me up in a leaf to save for winter.  She actually stayed in the shower with that thing the whole time she showered just keeping an eye on it for any sudden moves.  This would have been me.


I looked down at my "smashing" slipper in my hand and then backed out slowly, smiling at it.  No way in Hell was that gonna do it.  Getting rid of that thing was gonna take a large dictionary or possibly even some low grade dynamite.  I finally decided that a live capture was my best option as I didn't want to risk a botched squashing to then have this monster bug WOUNDED and PISSED OFF AT ME.  I actually ended up getting a cup and a book (thank God for the big refillable drinks from Shell or I don't know if we would have had a cup big enough) and got the cup over it and then slid the book behind the cup trapping it.  I did the catch and release outside.  I wanted to drive it to Australia to release it just to make sure it didn't come back but I can only hold my breath under water for 40 seconds.  We looked it up on the internet and found out it is called a camel-back cricket.  It has the body of a cricket but grasshopper legs.  One of our daughter's friends was over and called it a spicket (spider-cricket).  She said that they were all over their property.  Uh, do you need the number for a good realtor, daughter's friend?  The next Summer, I had an encounter with an even scarier bug I had never seen before.  I was sitting on a noodle in the pool with my head resting on the edge.  My daughter yelled, "There is a giant bug right by your head!"  After that damn shower monster, I was gonna take bug warnings a little more seriously from now on.  So I turned my head to see this about 2 inches from my face.


SON OF A BITCH!  AAAAAAAAHHHHH!  I was instantly half way across the pool.  Wtf?  This looked like a praying mantis with a half of a circular saw blade on it's back.  Andi was up on the deck and said "I want to see it."  So, I mustered up some courage (big man with a 6 foot noodle buffer) and held my noodle up to it nudging it.  It finally crawled onto the end of the noodle and I started walking it across the pool to Andi.  All of the sudden this demon critter took off 100 miles an hour down the noodle at me.  I screamed like a little girl getting a Barbie for Christmas and threw that noodle faster than Nolan Ryan ever thought about.  That cocksucker was not scared of me one bit and was ready for a rumble.  Shit, where was that Spicket when I needed it?  It might have had my back for not killing it.  Luckily, the thing then went away instead of going on a bloody rampage.  We found it on the internet, too and evidently it is a Wheel Bug.  On a funny note, when I was searching for a picture of this bug for the blog, the first one that came up was. . .


Why are animal's mating so damn funny?  Just to end this post on a cheerier and less creepy note, put on some Barry White and enjoy other animals doing it doggy style (not sure why but they all seem to do it that way).

"Just pick any fold, dear."

"Dammit, why is this the only thing you are too fast at?"

"Wait a minute.  I just said I wanted to do some NECKING."

"You know, this trick is why you kept getting kicked out of the circus."

AND FINALLY. . . 


"When I suggested a 3-way, I kinda thought we'd both do the girl."







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