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Thursday, March 22, 2012

Man, If Shitting On The Lawn Were Only More Socially Acceptable

Guess what I had to do today.  I had to shit scoop the whole winter's worth of Vegas cakes due to mowing season coming early.  Damn, where is more winter when I need it.

It took me the better part of an hour and my back was absolutely killing me when I got done.  But man, what a hammie workout.  If I did that everyday, my legs would look like this.

But I don't and they don't.  It could be worse, though, as I have the best pooper scooper in the world.  I can't imagine a world before this wonderful invention.  This here is the Fecal Forager 9000.  Notice the long, sleek handle, yellow racing stripe, and deep bucket.  It's got a spring loaded cradle with "grabber teeth" option.  Now what do I have to do to put you in that shit scooper today?

And what was the dog doing as I was out breaking my back picking up 4,137 piles of his shit, you say?

Rough gig he's got there.  You know, now that I think about it, those two little bags really were not a lot of cargo for a whole, unseasonably warm winter's worth of butt bullets.  I can tell you that if I shit in the yard all winter (no, I haven't been drunk enough to do that yet you bastards), it would conservatively look like . . .

sans cow that is.  So what does a normal person do with all of the rump rockets they've collected?  Why, they make an Alfred E. Neuman out of the parts and pieces of course.  What did I arrange them with?  You'll never know.  Want to come over for dinner?  Here, let me get you a utensil, unassuming guest.

Don't call the white coat express for me quite yet.  I actually did it to send in to Mad Magazine for their big easel contest every month where you make an "Alfred" out of any medium you can find.  They always brag about their toilet humor, so why not?

Hell, I've even got several of their toilet readers.

I got them for Christmas.  Let's see, four large volumes.  These should last me 'til St. Patty's day.  I had used ones on my list because they can be kind of expensive.  Hmmm, a used toilet reader.  Sounds kinda gross.  Ah, it'll be okay.  I'll just wash my hands twice.

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