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Sunday, March 4, 2012

Schick Should Give Free Skin Graft Coupons

I need a shaving lesson.  I have only been doing it since 5th grade, which happened to be 1979.  Carter was president, the sweathogs ended their reign of bugging the shit out of Mr. Kotter and the Duke boys started their reign of bugging the shit out of Boss Hogg.  You would think that after 32 years, I would be able to do it right.  However, I am bleeding from somewhere after EVERY single time I shave.  Some days it's worse than others.  This day, I almost bled to death.


Some day, Andi may just come home and actually find this.  Well, anyway, I had to go in to work with this attractive bandage on my face as it bled for 5 hours.  It could have been worse because about 5 years ago, the only bandages in the house had Dora the Explorer or Barney on them.  I might have just chosen bleeding to death at that point.


Leaving it uncovered was not an option as some of the women might be grossed out if I just walked in with my face covered in blood like the loser from a steel cage death match.  Now, I don't think this is all my fault.  Part of it is because I am cheap and razors are expensive, so I know I don't replace them as often as I should.  In fact, sometimes I use them so long, I'm not too sure a spoon wouldn't work just as well.  The part that isn't my fault is that due to severe acne as a teenager, parts of my face resemble a relief map of the Andes mountains.


Thank God it is not that colorful or you could really see my scars.  My theory on the acne is that God was pre-punishing me for throwing parties in the church rectory in high school.  Better get comfortable in that confessional Father D.  You ain't goin' anywhere for awhile.  God, I hope Hell isn't really as hot as they say.  I mean "Gosh" just in case I'm on the border.  I seem to be getting worse at the shaving, too.  I don't know whether the older I get, I hurry it more or what.  I truly think one of these days, I will get done shaving and look in the mirror to see that freak from Hannibal that peeled off his face and fed it to his dogs staring back.


Maybe, I just need to look on amazon.com for a blood transfusion kit (they sell EVERYTHING on amazon, right?).  I could get a bag of blood from the fridge, plug it in to a vein, and wa la-ready to start shaving.


I just hope it can pump it in as fast as I am losing it.  Oh, and yes I do always make a snooty "Mr. Howell" face as I'm shaving.  I think the answer to this whole dilemma however might be to just go the "ZZ" route.


"She's got leeeegs.  And she knows how to shave them."  Thank God, I wasn't born a girl where I would have to shave almost EVERYWHERE.  I think after about 3 months, I would look like this.


I would probably end up going European.  I have always said that I would be the ugliest, hairiest girl you ever saw.


There, try to get that image out of your head!












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