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Friday, April 27, 2012

Gee, I Coulda Thought Of That

When I was a kid, I remember seeing these trucks delivering bread to my elementery school.  Even then, I thought "Wow, I could have came up with that slogan.  Hey, is Michelle starting to get boobies?"  This is what was on the trucks.

It makes you "wonder" (pun intended).  Did someone burst in to the ad agency.

SIMMONS-"I'm gonna nail that Rainbo account boss.  You ready?  Rainbo is shitty bread." 

ADVERTISING EXEC.-"Oh, you're close.  Let's stay 'til we  hammer this thing out."  

SIMMONS-"Rainbo is okay bread."   

ADVERTISING EXEC.-"Hmmm. Not quite."  

SIMMONS-"I GOT IT!  Rainbo is good bread."  

ADVERTISING EXEC.-"Simmons.  You're a genius.  Have a Scotch and a shot of heroin on me."

How about the State Farm slogan.

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.  My neighbor sucked ass so what am I supposed to relate it to?

Apparently, there was once a slogan for aspirin stating "Nothing works better than aspirin."  I didn't get at first why this was so funny but. . . 

Okay, i'll just try nothing then.  HA HA.  So, if bad slogans aren't enough to scare off your customers, why not just kill them off instead.  "Hmmm.  How can we take something that is already an oral death sentence and make it worse?  AHA!  Replace the bun of a deep fried, breaded slab of chicken sandwich with deep fried, breaded slabs of chicken while cramming cheese and bacon between them."

I do have to admit that I did buy one of these once.  I then took it home, pulled it apart, and put it on regular buns making a couple of sandwiches for Andi and I.  That sounds like a joke but it actually is the truth.  Foiled your evil plan KFC.  Lived to eat unhealthily another day.

Enough of the bad.  Now look at an extremely clever campaign.  Placement is everything.

Monday, April 23, 2012


"Instant Karma (We All Shine On)"
(John Lennon)
Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head

This story is funny enough by itself so no need for further commentary.  I just love poetic justice!-Corey

2 cited for shoplifting become crime victims

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OGDEN, Utah -- Police in Utah say a vehicle was burglarized outside an Ogden store while its owners were being accused of shoplifting from the business.
Police told the Standard-Examiner of Ogden and Deseret News that 36-year-old Eldon Alexander and 47-year-old Korin Vanhouten were released after being cited in the theft of small-ticket items worth about $25 from a WinCo Foods store.
Police say the two then walked into the parking lot and discovered the theft of a stereo amplifier, drum machine and other items valued at about $60 from their vehicle.
Investigators say the two flagged down the officer who cited them as he was leaving the store, and the officer took a crime report from them.
The car burglary occurred while the officer's car was parked nearby.

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Thursday, April 19, 2012

What The Hell Did You Just Say?

My old college roommate that I have previously mentioned in another blog about telling pointless stories, also made another social gaffe one time.  He actually made the mistake of saying to a group of college guys that had been drinking and watching a movie together that "nudity would have cheapened the movie".  Now, I don't even remember what the movie was or what girl was in it that we all evidently were wanting to see naked, but the repercussions from that one statement dragged on for the whole school year.  He ended up transferring to a whole different school an hour away after that year and I am not too sure the harassment that ensued from that statement alone wasn't the cause.  It got to the point where if he was in the room and you were even watching The Golden Girls, you still had to make a "Boy, the only thing that could make this show better was if that Bea Arthur was naked but I wouldn't want nudity to cheapen the show" comment.

Let's put it this way.  To a bunch of horny, drunk college guys, THERE IS NO MOVIE OR TV SHOW IN THE WORLD THAT COULDN'T BE IMPROVED WITH SOME GOOD FULL FRONTAL OR EVEN SIDAL NUDITY.  Let me clarify, of the female persuasion that is.  Certainly not ugly, hairy male nudity.  That's  just sick and no one wants to see that.  Oh my God.  In searching for a Bea Arthur picture for this post, I came across a topless painting of BEA ARTHUR.

Now where did I put that eye gouger.  Anyways, saying his comment is almost like saying that a movie would be better without cussing.  Can you imagine some of the greatest movie lines without cussing?  Well, we have all seen them be tragically ruined on television.  I remember seeing the scene from Weird Science where the hottie then Kelly LeBrock chews out Anthony Michael Hall's parents.

In this scene, she later says "candle wax on the nipples".  The sensor demons changed it to "candle wax on the pimples" for t.v.  Uh.  Excuse me. Huh?  That takes what was supposed to be an erotic line and makes it absolutely disgusting.  Oh, and would this former roommate tell me this movie would have been better without this scene. . .

NOT HARDLY!  And one of my favorite lines ever from a movie that set the tone for the whole thing would definitely have lost something in the translation.

"Beer is like, f**kin' great, ya know."  How cool is that?  What's he supposed to say?  "Beer has great flavor and it is favorable to my palette."  Not the same.  And television completely ruins the "F word scene" by Steve Martin shown in my previous blog from the movie Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.  Christmas Vacation has a great Griswold meltdown that is best served with swearing as well.

or the original Vacation meltdown.

So let it be known you filmmakers.  Load em' up with all of the swearing nudists that you want, we'll all still watch and be thrilled about it.  Well, all but one.  Love ya' old roomie, wherever you are.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Insult Letters #13 (and caught up)

Well, this will be it on the insult letters until that slacker, half-wit sister of mine "attempts" to belittle me again.  As you may recall, I am down to just my insults to her and even that well has run dry after this one.  I do have one on deck and ready to go but alas, it is her turn in the rotation.  So enjoy.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Perry's Easter Ancestor

I've shown you the Thanksgiving and Christmas Perry books.  So here is the Easter one I did.  Again, please let me know if your kids enjoy them at all but please try not to crush my dreams too badly.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Might As Well Come Out With It

You all probably heard that one of the Mega Millions winners was from Illinois.  Well, I wasn't sure if this was the forum that I should announce it in but what the Hell, it'll be in the papers soon anyways.  It was me.  Here is my ticket.

Here is the winning numbers in case any of you need to double check your tickets.  But don't look too closely, I don't want to share the $640,000,000.

I really don't want to share it because I kind of already spent a chunk of it with credit.  For starters, I decided to buy this new humble abode.  Be sure to buzz in at the gate with 4 forms of I.D. if you come visit.

If any of you have seen my old phone and how beat up it is from being in my pocket with my car keys all the time, then you will understand the practicality of me buying this gold and diamond encrusted cell phone.

With the kind of bucks I possess now, you rubes won't be seeing me at Hardee's anymore.  I will be in the corner booth at Tavern on the Green restaurant with pinky and nose in the air.

And why should I hog all the wealth for myself?  Of course I am sharing with the less fortunate.  Vegas's new collar has more ice on it than the Queen's crown.

As long as I am living and eating good, I better look good.  So, I purchased the world's most expensive hat. I guess I should call it my "lid" to maintain my street cred and prove that I am still just Corey from the block.  Evidently this hat came with some free cosmetic surgery. My moobs have never looked so good.

Ah, the heck with it.  I guess with that much money, I can just buy new friends.  Therefore, I went and purchased season tickets to the Knicks in the "Bieber and Grandpa" section.

All of these mega rich celebs have to show off their exotic pets, so to keep up with the Joneses (or Kardashians, or Hiltons, or etc.), I bought an ocelot.  I just hope it doesn't decide to eat Vegas or especially not Vegas's new collar.

I still have to stay true to my roots, though.  So for my blog followers, you will be happy to know that I blew some major coin on a solid gold outhouse and shitter.  Damn, that precious metal seat is going to be cold in the winter, though.  See, how I suffer to not let the wealth go to my head.

My last purchase now was some new loafers for my feet.  I decided to go the unpretencious route, so I just picked up a rather modest pair of solid gold Nikes.  Another 2 or 3 months of leg lifts and I think my muscles will be strong enough to actually walk in them.

     Rest assured, I'm still just "Corey".  So don't LOOK DOWN on me for buying my huge new
Abode, that flashy, bejeweled cell
Phone, eating in only the fanciest
Restaurants, a dog collar covered in 
Ice, my subtle new
Lid, hanging with my new famous
Friends, getting Vegas an exotic
Ocelot to play with, an exotic
Outhouse for me to play with, and a pair of
Loafers the would make M.J. jealous.