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Monday, May 28, 2012

Orlando Disney Pics I Promised You Months Ago

The highlight of Cal's trip before we even left.  Hopefully this curbed his Denny's obsession for the rest of the trip.  We refer to this place as Walt Denny's World, the 2nd happiest place on Earth.

All tucked in and leaving Denny's for Bloomington airport.  All those damn luggage restrictions have forced us to pack a family of 5 down to a mere 5 suitcases and 5 carry-ons.  How do they sleep at night knowing that we didn't have room to pack our extra extra deck of playing cards and had to pack a 6"oscillating fan instead of a 12".

One of the hazards of traveling during the school year.  The kids doing homework in the airport.  What the Hell else they gonna do?  You can only look at a display of Adlai Stevenson's 3rd grade book report on To Kill a Mockingbird so many times.

It's 1100 miles to Orlando, we got a full plane of gas, half a pack of jerky, it's dark, and I'm wearing sunglasses. . . .Hit it!  (anyone ever seen the Blues Brothers)

Jet lag or just lazy, you be the judge.  All checked in at Old Key West resort and the slackers get to just lounge and wait for the SuperBowl to start while poor mommy and daddy have to go grocery (beer) shopping.

1st land, 1st park, 1st day at the Magic Kingdom.  Hey jackass with the baby, quit flexing in my picture!

The family enthralled on the Ellen's Energy Adventure ride.  Oh the irony of this public display on an "energy" ride.

Cal, Lukah, and Mikah on Main Street at the Magic Kingdom.  Look at the very out of place, perfectly rectangle building in the background.  It is Disney's way to not ruin the effect of the perfect Main Street while they do maintenance.  They completely cover the whole building in a tarp with a picture of a building.  On a similar note, do they sell Brad Pitt tarps that I can cover myself in? 

Obama looks pretty pissed at Andi's not so enthused take on his assessment of the current state of affairs.  I bet this is what happened with our real forefathers.  Can't you just here George at the Continental Congress-"Goddammit, Patrick Henry, wake your lazy ass up and pass that parchment!"

There is actually cool movie memorabilia to look at while in line for rides at Disney Hollywood Studios.  No, it's not Superman's phone booth.  It's way cooler than that.  It's Bill and Ted's from their great adventure.  Can anyone say So Crates (Socrates)?

Or how about the Binford riding mower that Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor souped up on Home Improvement.  Bet it can mow your yard in 3 minutes flat, and your flowers, and your mailbox, and your. . . .

Maybe she needs Steven Tyler caterwauling directly into her ear instead of through that little speaker to keep her coherent on the Rockin' Roller Coaster.

Ah, back in the days when my boy still loved a hug and time spent with his papa.  Or as we like to call it, 3 months ago.

The whole family in line to ride Toy Story Mania at Disney.  How the Hell did whoever we asked to take a picture of us accidentally get Mr. Potato Head directly positioned to look like he was sitting on Andi and my shoulders?

Now on to the next resort that we paid for, not from the contest we won.  This was Port Orleans Riverside.  It was still very nice and we all only had to take 1 turn a day on the giant gerbil wheel there to make power for the resort.

Even Walt's ghost himself can't spark any interest from Andi in the Enchanted Tiki Room at the Magic Kingdom.

Hey, I think I've ridden that thing home from Snappers a few times.

A goat petting Lukah and Mikah.  And look at the firm, apple-bottomed Adonis behind them.

They need to just rename Dudley Do-Right's Ripsaw Falls "Hypothermia Haven" at Universal Studios.

Andi almost waking up on Tower of Terror.  Looks like the next "land" that boy in the blue shirt is gonna have to visit is "Tide Country" to get Andi's drool stains out.

No trouble holding still for this photo as we are frozen solid to the deck from the ride mentioned a couple of pics ago.

Landed safely back in Bloomington.  You just have to tucker them out this badly to not hear "He's touching me", "Yeah, but she gleeked on me", etc.  On a side note, Andi claims to have never gleeked.  What a freak.  The ironic part of this photo is that Andi actually was AWAKE to take it.  Okay, in all honesty, Andi actually only slept through the Hall of Presidents so I may have done some Photoshopping on a few of those pics.  In my goodness, I actually let her sleep through the boring movie part and then woke her when the screen was raised for the robotic presidents because that is the cool part.  Ha, so I thought.  I was met with a one-eyed, hazy dirty look, a small grunt, and an annoyed head turning.  Okay then President Ford, while you're handing out pardons to Nixon, could you also pardon me FOR TRYING TO WAKE MY WIFE at the climax of the show.  She will deny sleeping in the Enchanted Tiki Room or the Ellen Energy ride but I know I saw some head bobbing.  The kids will just flat out admit to snoozing in the Ellen one.  Hell, they didn't even try to hide it.  They just did a full on sprawl out on the benches.  We paid $5,000 for our "free" vacation and my family slept through it.  Also, I figure we ate 3 meals a day for 7 days.  That's a total of 21 meals and yet I shit 78 times.  I don't have to do that math.  I'm pretty sure I took a f**king on that deal, too.  We've been back for a few months now and are getting the itch for our next exhilarating trip.  We can really use the sleep.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


That's right.  America's first no frills nugget restaurant.  We offer NO seating, NO condiments, NO furnace, NO air conditioning, NO pest control, and NO containers of any kind.  We do this to pass those savings on to you.  So if you don't want to walk around with cupped hands full of nuggets, know that I wasn't just blowin' smoke about bringing that feed bag.  All of our chickens are guaranteed to be crammed into the tiniest cages possible with only their closest friends so you know that they are happy.  Our executive chef "Skeeter" has over 20 years experience on kitchen duty at Chez San Quentin where he was known for his passionate shiv work 

Ask for French fries and after telling you to "F**K OFF", our counter guy might just tell you to go to France to have someone point you to England to then ask for "chips".   All he needs to know from you is how many scoops and when he gets through scratchin' his back with the scooper, he'll be glad to get 'em fer ya.  Just a word of warnin'.  Too much extra chatter just pisses him off and you may get bitten on the torso or at the very least get a little "special sauce" on your nuggets.  

Looking for something to dip your nuggets in?  Maybe you should try a NUTTIN' BUT BBQ SAUCE store because we got NUTTIN' BUT NUGGETS® DAMMIT, we already told you 3 friggin' times.  However, we do sometimes allow our buddy "Scabpick" to park his cheese wagon out front.  If you hit it on the right day, he'll be glad to put a shovel full of cheese on yer nuggets fer a small fee.  Might wanna remind him to hose the hog manure off his shovel first.

Here's his rates, but sometimes if he ain't ate that day, you can just trade him half yer roadkill.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Don't You Remember That Great Harry Potter Bowling Scene?

The following is what happens when you are feeling squirelly one night and decide to use the webcam to spoof a movie that you have barely seen once and weren't paying that close of attention to when you were watching it.  We hit play and neither of us could even come up with one thing that happened from the movie to even imitate.  In fact, Lukah had to tell me what the red-headed guy's name was.

So then at the end, I got all excited because I actually remembered a name from the movie and I just yelled it out in excitement.  Okay, that didn't go so well.  Maybe don't hit play until you have a scenario ready, dumbass.  Nah, why would we do that.  Take 2.  Still got nuthin' but was at least able to get some words out this time.

So much for the improv.  If it's not working, just make some googly eyes and that will bring down the house.  These might not be Shakespeare but when we went back and watched them, we thought they were so stupid that they were funny.  We may just make some more.  I've got a couple more ideas in the hopper for Harry and the red-headed guy.  You know, what's his name.  Damn, I really gotta see that movie!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Aaaaw. That's The Cutest Pile Of Shit EVER!!!

I caught a commercial on t.v. the other day for the craziest doll.  It actually shits out turds.  That is amazing to me.  Goddammit, and look how cute the shit is!  Leave it to Hasbro to come up with cute looking shit.  

Hell, it makes me want another baby just to look at that cute shit all the time.  Can I get some more shit in case my kid loses the shit that it came with?  I want to call just to be able to ask a Hasbro customer service person, "Yeah, my kid lost the shit that came with her doll.  She may have ate it.  We don't know.  Anyways, I was wondering if you all could ship me out some replacement shit?  If so, how much will this new shit cost me and how soon can I expect the shit to arrive in the mail?"  Thinking back, my kids had some pretty realistic dolls as well.  Lukah had a doll called "something (can't remember the name) talks-a-lot".

This thing had little computer cards that you could stick into it for her to talk about certain functions.  For instance if you wanted to brush her teeth, you would stick in the teeth brushing card and then the baby would bitch about having to brush it's teeth.  The creepiest thing about this doll, though, was that other than taking the batteries out, there was no shutting it off.  In fact, this doll had me running for a defibrillator one night.  I woke up at 3 a.m. hearing noises in the toy room.  I crept quietly towards the toy room door and could hear talking.  Since the dog was being no help, I thought about at least throwing the pooch at the intruder.  I poked my head into the room and heard "Please replace my batteries.  They are low".  Sure I'll replace those just as soon as I replace my shatted underpants.  Needless to say, that doll's next phrase was "Please don't put me in the rummage sale".  Actually, a similar occurrence happened in our previous house.  I got up in the night to go pee and when I walked into the living room, I heard snoring.  Unless Goldilocks was there when I turned the light on, I had a problem.  Of course maybe not if it was the world's laziest thief who couldn't even get through the robbery without a nap.  I flipped the light on and was met with. . . 

This isn't the actual model but it looked very similar to this.  It was another talking doll with no shutoff.  This robot actually mimicked all of the disgusting bodily functions as well.  You could be walking through the living room any time of day and expect to her sneezing, burping, yawning, or farting from this thing.  And not so much as an "excuse me" I might add.  Nice manners to teach the little heathens.
If I'm going to be scared shitless in the middle of the night by a damn doll, I want it to look like Chucky so I don't feel like such a pussy afterwards.

You know, if they really want to make these dolls like a real baby, they need to make the shit and puke just come out at random uncontrolled times.  None of this "when you press here, it happens" shit.  It needs to be on a random timer to give the little princess a taste of what she just put you through a few years before in church, or at the mall, or in the car, or at a restaurant.  Yes, I actually had to do an impromptu load of shit covered laundry in the sink at Arby's in Bloomington once.  And to whoever you were, thanks for the dollar but I wasn't really homeless.  Wouldn't you get a little satisfaction seeing your little sweetie deal with this in a public forum?

Or maybe I'm just a bastard.  HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Nature Can Be So Cruel

One of my daughter's friends loves giraffes.  They look so cute and harmless.  I'm not sure what made me shatter that perception to the friend but I felt the need to make her watch these videos on youtube on the way home from the band trip.

IS THAT NOT AMAZING?  DID YOU KNOW THEIR NECKS BENT LIKE THAT?  The only reason I have ever even heard of giraffe's neck fighting is because I was flipping through the channels one day and saw this in passing.  I had to retreat back to it and was flabbergasted.  Equally amazing is this video that went around the web a few years ago.  It's a baby buffalo trying to get a drink, then attacked by a lion.  As the lion is trying to drag it away, a crocodile pops out of the water and grabs another leg of the baby buffalo for a tug of war (Minute 3:50).  And you think you had a shitty day. 

The amazing thing is that the baby is able to limp away barely hurt after the herd slowly saunters over and rescues it.  I'm sure in buffalo speak, they heard, "Thank's for taking your sweet ass time rescuing me, jackasses.  Now I'm gonna walk with a f**kin' limp the rest of my life!"

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

What's In A Name?

My previous blog post covered the importance of a good slogan in advertising but there's a lot to say for the business's (hard not to say "business's's's's", isn't it) name, too, though.  This past weekend, I went on the junior high band trip to Six Flags in St. Louis where I witnessed a kid in my group who forgot "change into shoes" decide to purchase flip flops at the park.  His feet must have been really hurting from the band shoes because he paid $18 for what looked like dollar store quality flip flops.  I'm not knocking little Hyong Kim's quality of work in the sweat shop but more making a point of ridiculous prices.   After violently tugging at the plastic tie holding the price tag to the toe divider (I totally thought he was gonna break these before even getting out of the store), he put them on.

Yes, he did wear these with socks.

Does the thought of socks getting squished between your toes by the flip flop toe separator give anyone else the vapors?

Well, his spending was his parent's problem.  I was here to keep my child from blowing the family fortune ($87 and some change) on frivolous items.  On that note, Lukah only wanted a pretzel for supper at the park.  HOT DAMN!  I'm getting off cheap.  Okay college kid whose selfish parents are making her work on weekends instead of just footing the whole college bill, that will be 1 pretzel with cheese and a coke.  Ring me up.

"That comes to $12.74, sir.  Would you like a napkin?"

"Yeah, you better give me a couple thousand because I'm planning on not buying napkins for the next year or so to help offset the cost of that pretzel.  Good God, you got Wolfgang Puck back there twisting these things or what?"

"What's a Wolfgang Puck, sir?"

"Shutup before I beat you with an $18 flip flop."

Jesus H. Christ, at these prices, they should be able to afford the other 44 flags in no time.  I'm guessing you could get your flip flops and pretzels much cheaper in these stores that were all over down there.

Talk about truth in advertising.  They better be ready to follow up on that bold claim.  If I get in there and the shit ain't dirt cheap, there's gonna be hell to pay.   I'm talking "Honey, hold my teeth.  Put 'em up manager" hell to pay.  Actually, I had never heard of these stores and thought it was kinda funny for some reason.  I'm weird like that.  It reminded me of a long ago shuttered restaurant that I used to see whenever I was driving back to college at Eastern Illinois University a hundred years ago.  I'm sure many of you used to see it at Arcola, IL right before you got on Interstate 57.

Hmmm.  Wonder why it went under.  Maybe the sign wasn't just a clever paradox after all.  You know what else I noticed then after I saw the Dirt Cheap store was a Red Roof Inn next to it.

I'll be damned, it really does have a red roof.  If I owned that chain, I would put different colored roofs on all of them, none of which being red.  Ya' know, just to f**k with ya'.  This got me thinking, though.  What if other hotel chains changed their names to just describe a physical quality of their own hotels. Holiday Inn could become "Gouged Drywall Inn", Motel 6 could become "Semen Sheet 6", and Budgetel could become "Policeevidenceoncarpetel".   Hmmmm.  Maybe they just better stick with their original names after all.