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Sunday, May 13, 2012

Aaaaw. That's The Cutest Pile Of Shit EVER!!!

I caught a commercial on t.v. the other day for the craziest doll.  It actually shits out turds.  That is amazing to me.  Goddammit, and look how cute the shit is!  Leave it to Hasbro to come up with cute looking shit.  

Hell, it makes me want another baby just to look at that cute shit all the time.  Can I get some more shit in case my kid loses the shit that it came with?  I want to call just to be able to ask a Hasbro customer service person, "Yeah, my kid lost the shit that came with her doll.  She may have ate it.  We don't know.  Anyways, I was wondering if you all could ship me out some replacement shit?  If so, how much will this new shit cost me and how soon can I expect the shit to arrive in the mail?"  Thinking back, my kids had some pretty realistic dolls as well.  Lukah had a doll called "something (can't remember the name) talks-a-lot".

This thing had little computer cards that you could stick into it for her to talk about certain functions.  For instance if you wanted to brush her teeth, you would stick in the teeth brushing card and then the baby would bitch about having to brush it's teeth.  The creepiest thing about this doll, though, was that other than taking the batteries out, there was no shutting it off.  In fact, this doll had me running for a defibrillator one night.  I woke up at 3 a.m. hearing noises in the toy room.  I crept quietly towards the toy room door and could hear talking.  Since the dog was being no help, I thought about at least throwing the pooch at the intruder.  I poked my head into the room and heard "Please replace my batteries.  They are low".  Sure I'll replace those just as soon as I replace my shatted underpants.  Needless to say, that doll's next phrase was "Please don't put me in the rummage sale".  Actually, a similar occurrence happened in our previous house.  I got up in the night to go pee and when I walked into the living room, I heard snoring.  Unless Goldilocks was there when I turned the light on, I had a problem.  Of course maybe not if it was the world's laziest thief who couldn't even get through the robbery without a nap.  I flipped the light on and was met with. . . 

This isn't the actual model but it looked very similar to this.  It was another talking doll with no shutoff.  This robot actually mimicked all of the disgusting bodily functions as well.  You could be walking through the living room any time of day and expect to her sneezing, burping, yawning, or farting from this thing.  And not so much as an "excuse me" I might add.  Nice manners to teach the little heathens.
If I'm going to be scared shitless in the middle of the night by a damn doll, I want it to look like Chucky so I don't feel like such a pussy afterwards.

You know, if they really want to make these dolls like a real baby, they need to make the shit and puke just come out at random uncontrolled times.  None of this "when you press here, it happens" shit.  It needs to be on a random timer to give the little princess a taste of what she just put you through a few years before in church, or at the mall, or in the car, or at a restaurant.  Yes, I actually had to do an impromptu load of shit covered laundry in the sink at Arby's in Bloomington once.  And to whoever you were, thanks for the dollar but I wasn't really homeless.  Wouldn't you get a little satisfaction seeing your little sweetie deal with this in a public forum?

Or maybe I'm just a bastard.  HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!

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