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Thursday, June 28, 2012

I Finally Hit The Big Time

Remember this blog?


Well guess what!  My Mad magazine came today (for all of you thinking it, YES THEY STILL PRINT THAT AND NO, I HAVE NEVER GROWN UP).


No, I don't read it with my feet.  It's just a happy accident that my toes are in the shot.  I flipped it open a few pages and there before my eyes was Vegas's shit.


For those of you that don't subscribe or "prescribe" as my old boss used to say, I will show a close up so you can read my letter and their response.


I get good prizes this time, see.  What do I mean "this time"?  You will see later.


Well, Vegas's shit is enjoying whole heartedly it's 15 minutes of fame.  Trust me, there is NO talking to his shit right now.  Unless of course you have your people contact his people and set up a meeting.  All his shit wants to do all day is hang out by the pool with a cocktail.


I find this odd since we all know what usually happens when turds get near water.


Hopefully, once all of these "black tie affairs" die down, the pooparazzi will quit bugging him and life can get back to normal.


Until then, I figured "why should Vegas's shit reap all of the rewards?  I did all of the work!  It just had to lie there."  So, I will be selling it for $5 a piece or I will arrange shit into personal sentiments for a $1 a letter.  Who wouldn't want to surprise their sweetheart on their anniversary with an "I Love You" spelled out in animal fecal?


Of course, this isn't the first time that I have been published in Mad.  I got our coconut monkey evaluated in "Antiques Freakshow" a few years ago.  Just think, Dane Cook and Jim Gaffigan have probably looked at Cal, Lukah, and my coconut monkey.  To them I say, "Hey you, quit looking at my monkey".  Oh for a nickel every time I've had to say that.


Here it is a little closer so you can read it.


Funny stuff, huh?  My prize for getting this letter in absolutely sucked.  It seemed like every month of that year BUT the one I got published in they were giving away cars, houses, boats, and prostitutes.  I got. . . 

ZZZZZZZZZZZZ!  Right in the rummage sale with that one.  What will I buy with that nickel?  That's not even enough to buy a piece of my own dog's shit.

Lastly, way before these and in a much less funny publication (although that "drama in real life" is hysterical), a picture I took of Mikah and my nephew Bradley was sent in by my mom and published in Reader's Digest.  


Too bad I had to freeze my nads off (I'm not too sure that's not what they're rolling around in that picture) to dig the fort and take the picture. 




Friday, June 22, 2012

What Happened In Vegas Didn't Stay In Vegas

That's right, 15 years baby.  On June 22, 1997, I married Andrea Lynn Maduzia (Boyum) at the Candlelight Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada at 3:30 in the morning.  We had only known each other for 6 months, so I'm sure we had our share of naysayers.  To all of you who ever thought or said "I give them 2 months", all I have to say is . . . .


I had gotten the ring before we left and had every intention of proposing on the plane.  I had a note that I slipped to the stewardess with instructions to the pilot.  Now-a-days, I would be tackled and anally probed if I tried something like that.  I had it arranged with a stewardess that she would come by and give me a signal when the pilot was about to come on the radio to give me time to get my video camera out.  Then as I was filming, she would come up and be very interested in my video camera as it was the FIRST model to have the built in viewing screen.  Then as she was holding it (and recording, you sly dog Corey), the pilot would come on and say something like (blah, blah, flying at 22,000 feet, blah, blah, peanuts give me the shits, blah, blah, oh and could Andi Maduzia please stand up, Corey Case has something he wants to ask her.  Here it is if you want to see it.


My actual proposal was, "For a while now, you've been my life, my whole life, and I want you to be there for the rest of my life.  Will you marry me?"  The whole plane erupted in hoots, hollers, and applause.  I really did not think this would lead to actually getting married on that trip.  We were in line at Wet and Wild (tore down now) waiting to get on this ride.


It had this rocket capsule that you got into and then the floor dropped out sending you down that wedgieriffic slide.  But, I digress.  Andi, looked out over the beautiful Vegas sky and said, "So, do you wanna do it?"  I assumed she was talking about getting married and not really doing "it" on the steps in broad daylight in full view of 100 people so I said "Sure".  We went back to our swank hotel the Westward Ho (tore down now. . . this is a recurring theme in Vegas) and started making arrangements.


It was now getting on evening so even though Las Vegas is the city that never sleeps, they do close their damn shops every now and then.  We were having a hard time finding a tux and dress rental place still open but finally found one that was closed but would rent to us if we could get there before they were done doing inventory.  So off we ran.


Oh my God, I had her ring but not one for myself.  Hmmm.  I don't have much money so where would be a logical place to get myself an affordable wedding band?  Not Caesar's Palace you say?  Doesn't matter, only place open.  Good thing I was in shape at that time as I RAN 2 miles down the strip in 100 degree heat.

Shut the Hell up, you old bag!  Well, got my ring at Caesar's and I actually didn't have to hock the plane tickets home to get it.


Next came booking the chapel.  We decided on the Candlelight Wedding Chapel down by the Riviera hotel.


I mean if it was good enough for Bette Midler, Michael Caine, Whoopi Goldberg, and Barry White, then it's good enough for us.  Most recently, you can catch a quick shot of it in the movie Dodgeball with Vince Vaughn.  But alas, our chapel is now gone.  I thought it was torn down but it turns out that it was just moved across town and was donated to the Clark County Museum.  See . . .  



I wish I would have known this in 2007 as we were there and I would have liked to see it.  Back to the story.  A 3:30 a.m. was the earliest (or latest depending on your lifestyle) wedding time that we could get it.  And dammit, Elvis was done for the night.


Now it was off to the courthouse for our marriage license.  Only in Las Vegas could you be 8 couples back for a marriage license at MIDNIGHT!  Well, we got it and the wedding went off without a hitch (except for that Goddam Kenny G suckfest background music).  During the ceremony, I felt something rubbing against my leg and looked down to see a cat with a tag that said "Cupid".  How many of you can say that?  The ceremony was followed by hours of drinking up and down the strip which was then followed by a morning call to stunned parents.  This was capped with an all day pass out to be awakened at 5 p.m. by a congratulatory call from my sister.  Wanna see the wedding. . . .


There was a restaurant next to this chapel called the Algiers.  When I went to Vegas with a buddy a few years before this trip, we ate at this restaurant.  It was where people would wait for their wedding times, so every few minutes someone would come in and holler "JOHNSON WEDDING PARTY!" and so on.  We thought that was hilarious.  Well, here is our wedding photo.  I love how you really would have no idea that it wasn't taken at a traditional church wedding.  I will break it down for you in the vein of the old VH1 pop-up videos.




LOVE YA' BABE!  HAPPY 15TH AND MANY, MANY MORE!






Tuesday, June 19, 2012

And New From Oreos . . .

If Oreo Double Stuf makes our cookies twice as good, we thought then why stop there?  You and your dentist will be thanking us for Oreo's new Twentyfold Stuf®.  It's 20 times as good!


Imaging the sparkle in your little one's eyes when you open the package and there are only 3 of those disgusting "tops" and 3 of those disgusting "bottoms" they have to endure to get their creamy prize.


Dip them in a cool glass of milk and instead of that repulsive chocolatey sludge that forms from the crumbly cookie parts, you will instead be met with a delicious cottage cheesy substance from the disintegrating cream.  


You will revel in watching the happiness on your child's face as they scarf down 10 times their daily sugar allowance in 1 cookie.


We then thought "Hey, dumbass, if 20 times the cream is 20 times better than a normal Oreo, then why not just get rid of that damn cookie all together?"  For everyone that ever said, "You know, these chocolate cream cookies would be pretty freakin' good if that chocolate cookie didn't get in the way".  It's new Oreo Only Stuf®.


That's right.  Our vanilly, whitish cream-like substitute comes right from our semi-clean factory vat, pumped into pastry bags ready to be squirted directly into your little loved one's mouth without all of the hassles of opening and discarding the outer cookie.  You will say "DELICIOUS!" but after a few rounds of our product, it will probably sound more like "DELITHYUTH!" depending on your dental plan.  (Oreo is not responsible for cavities or extreme hyperactivity.)





Wednesday, June 13, 2012

iPhone

So Andi's iPhone has some kinda spellcheckerthingamajig.

It probably would have caught that last word and changed it to "erection" or something.  One time she was texting me something about a dowel rod.  She caught this one before it made it to me but her phone changed "dowel" to "sperm".  "Sperm Rod" would have sent a whole different message to me not at all related to home improvement.  Thank God she wasn't texting the priest or the teacher about her "sperm rod".  Not like she regularly texts priests and teachers about lumber supplies, just sayin'.  Give me my phone any day.   It is the shittiest free phone they offer.


It's practically got one of those old hand cranks that Andy Griffith used to have to use for Sara to get him a number in Mt. Pilot.  By God if someone's going to hear about my sperm rod, I PURPOSELY have to type in sultry comments about my sperm rod!  And don't even get me started on my beautifully shaped gonad balls.



Today, I got her to forward an email from home to me here at work and asked her to text me when it was sent.  She did it and tried to text me "re-emailed". Her phone sent me one word-"trematoda".


Good God, don't send me that.  It is a parasitic flatworm.  Although . . . . .I could probably eat all day then and not get any fatter.  Hmmmm.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Ding Dong Ditch (aka Canadian Knocking)

My kids and the neighborhood kids used to go "ding dong ditching".  I am not a big fan.  Billy Madison was.


When we were kids, it was called something way more racist and I am very glad that the name has changed.  I always thought it very odd, though, that the children would do it and then come home and tell us they did it.  Do they not understand that it is being bad.  When we used to do it, I can guarantee that I would not have told my parents about it as I would have gotten into trouble.  Maybe I'm just too damn nice.  Maybe people don't get as pissed off at getting ding dong ditched as they used to so the kids don't think it's a big deal.  It used to be enough to make some people flip.  We did our neighbor once and then ran and hid in the ditch across the street.  Gee, good thinking guys.  He will never think to look there.  He didn't look.  Instead, he calmly got into the trunk of his car and got out a shotgun.  He kind of looked around a little bit, looked through the sight a few times, closed his trunk and took it back into the house.


"Mom, can we go underwear shopping?  I think I just shit myself."


Looking back, he knew where we were.  We only had a few seconds to hide and unless we were in his mailbox, we were in the ditch.


Why yes, I was an extremely hairy 10 year old with a fondness for sailor outfits.  Now, I realize the gun was just a tactic to scare us as opposed to what my 10 year old mind was processing as narrowly avoiding a bloody rampage.  Some of you may think that neighbor was a bit psycho, but you know what.  It worked.   Guess who never got ding dong ditched EVER AGAIN.  In fact, I don't think I made eye contact with him ever again either.  I like my blood inside my body where it belongs.  The latest installment in the ding dong ditch saga just occurred a few months ago.  This one really blew my mind.  There really aren't that many steps to ding dong ditching.

1.  Ring doorbell.  (hence, the  "ding dong")

2.  Run like Hell and hide.  (hence, the "ditch")

It was kind of late one night and our doorbell rang.  I normally sprint out the door as quick as I can to try and tackle the perps.  I might have no shoes on.  I might be naked.  You never know what you might get!


That's the risks you little bastards are gonna take if you do it to my house.  Well, this night, I ran out in my slippers to see a car parked in the road next to my house talking to the neighbor kids in another car.  I just stood there staring at them for 30 seconds until they saw me.  Then all of the sudden, they sped away at a high rate of speed.  My neighbors then pulled into my driveway and told me who it was.  So kids, you can't do Step 1 and then forget about Step 2.  It doesn't work.  It reminded me of the Seinfeld where the car rental place gave away his car reservation.


 Those kids knew how to "ding dong" but they didn't know how to "ditch", which really is the most important part-the "ditching".  I mean I had enough time that I could have went out, wrote down their license plate number, swapped recipes with their passenger, and let the air out of their tires if I had wanted to.  So I found it hilarious that after so long, they then sped away.  I guess it's similar that my neighbor could have splattered me all over that ditch, but didn't.  I guess it's comforting to know that kids are just as dumb now as we were 30 years ago.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

The Breakfast Club

Aren't television and movie principals the best?  And the bigger dicks they are, the more we love them.  Let's just recap some of my personal favorites.


Who could forget Principal Strickland from Back to the Future and Michael J. Fox saying, "Didn't that guy ever have hair."


That was soon followed by Principal Rooney from Ferris Bueller.  The only thing that makes a dick principal better is when he is a buffoon as well.  I love when he gets on the school bus and the little girl offers him some gummy bears that are still warm because they have been in her pocket.


Principal Skinner deserves a raise, a personal masseuse, early retirement and the Nobel Peace Prize for putting up with Bart Simpson's shit for all of these years on The Simpsons.


How the Hell did a normal, nice principal get in here?  Get the Hell off my list normal, nice Principal Feeny from Boy Meets World.


Okay, I will allow this fairly nice principal just because he is part of one of the GREATEST shows ever- Saved By The Bell.  Not sure why he got so attached to Zack Morris because in my school, the principals hated all of the asshole trouble makers.  Viva la Belding!


Remember Billy Madison's Principal Anderson that was secretly the wrestler that crushed to death the other wrestler by sitting on him?  We need more principals like this.  Kids might not act up so badly if there was the threat of a 400 pound man sitting on your face.


Do they come any more uptight than Principal Mullins from School of Rock?  Jack Black is soon able to set her on the proper course of student neglect and irresponsibility.


AND NOW FOR THE KING!  Principal Vernon was the greatest principal in the history of asshole movie or t.v. principals.  "You mess with the bull son, you're gonna get the horns."  Remember the best scene from the whole movie?


The Nickelodeon show "Victorious" did a fairly humorous spoof of the movie for a whole episode (if you follow my blog, you know I am addicted to kids shows so wipe that wtf look off your face).  This seemed ironic to me because these kids acting in it weren't even born when the movie occurred.  They still did a good job and I enjoyed it.  You can see the whole episode on youtube.  Here is just a promo.



The whole episode is here.  PART 1


PART 2




You HAVE to watch this next spoof of the library scene.  It is the best parody of it and absolutely a riot from a hysterical movie "Not Another Teen Movie".  The best part is, they actually got Principal Vernon to come back and do the scene.



It doesn't get any better than this.  None of these guy or gal principals would have allowed this blunder.  This picture is real and the article says it was like this for almost 2 years.  All I have to say about that is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Don't believe me?  Here is the article.  They need more shcooling.