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Thursday, June 7, 2012

Ding Dong Ditch (aka Canadian Knocking)

My kids and the neighborhood kids used to go "ding dong ditching".  I am not a big fan.  Billy Madison was.

When we were kids, it was called something way more racist and I am very glad that the name has changed.  I always thought it very odd, though, that the children would do it and then come home and tell us they did it.  Do they not understand that it is being bad.  When we used to do it, I can guarantee that I would not have told my parents about it as I would have gotten into trouble.  Maybe I'm just too damn nice.  Maybe people don't get as pissed off at getting ding dong ditched as they used to so the kids don't think it's a big deal.  It used to be enough to make some people flip.  We did our neighbor once and then ran and hid in the ditch across the street.  Gee, good thinking guys.  He will never think to look there.  He didn't look.  Instead, he calmly got into the trunk of his car and got out a shotgun.  He kind of looked around a little bit, looked through the sight a few times, closed his trunk and took it back into the house.

"Mom, can we go underwear shopping?  I think I just shit myself."

Looking back, he knew where we were.  We only had a few seconds to hide and unless we were in his mailbox, we were in the ditch.

Why yes, I was an extremely hairy 10 year old with a fondness for sailor outfits.  Now, I realize the gun was just a tactic to scare us as opposed to what my 10 year old mind was processing as narrowly avoiding a bloody rampage.  Some of you may think that neighbor was a bit psycho, but you know what.  It worked.   Guess who never got ding dong ditched EVER AGAIN.  In fact, I don't think I made eye contact with him ever again either.  I like my blood inside my body where it belongs.  The latest installment in the ding dong ditch saga just occurred a few months ago.  This one really blew my mind.  There really aren't that many steps to ding dong ditching.

1.  Ring doorbell.  (hence, the  "ding dong")

2.  Run like Hell and hide.  (hence, the "ditch")

It was kind of late one night and our doorbell rang.  I normally sprint out the door as quick as I can to try and tackle the perps.  I might have no shoes on.  I might be naked.  You never know what you might get!

That's the risks you little bastards are gonna take if you do it to my house.  Well, this night, I ran out in my slippers to see a car parked in the road next to my house talking to the neighbor kids in another car.  I just stood there staring at them for 30 seconds until they saw me.  Then all of the sudden, they sped away at a high rate of speed.  My neighbors then pulled into my driveway and told me who it was.  So kids, you can't do Step 1 and then forget about Step 2.  It doesn't work.  It reminded me of the Seinfeld where the car rental place gave away his car reservation.

 Those kids knew how to "ding dong" but they didn't know how to "ditch", which really is the most important part-the "ditching".  I mean I had enough time that I could have went out, wrote down their license plate number, swapped recipes with their passenger, and let the air out of their tires if I had wanted to.  So I found it hilarious that after so long, they then sped away.  I guess it's similar that my neighbor could have splattered me all over that ditch, but didn't.  I guess it's comforting to know that kids are just as dumb now as we were 30 years ago.

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