"Mom, can we go underwear shopping? I think I just shit myself."
Looking back, he knew where we were. We only had a few seconds to hide and unless we were in his mailbox, we were in the ditch.
Why yes, I was an extremely hairy 10 year old with a fondness for sailor outfits. Now, I realize the gun was just a tactic to scare us as opposed to what my 10 year old mind was processing as narrowly avoiding a bloody rampage. Some of you may think that neighbor was a bit psycho, but you know what. It worked. Guess who never got ding dong ditched EVER AGAIN. In fact, I don't think I made eye contact with him ever again either. I like my blood inside my body where it belongs. The latest installment in the ding dong ditch saga just occurred a few months ago. This one really blew my mind. There really aren't that many steps to ding dong ditching.
1. Ring doorbell. (hence, the "ding dong")
2. Run like Hell and hide. (hence, the "ditch")
It was kind of late one night and our doorbell rang. I normally sprint out the door as quick as I can to try and tackle the perps. I might have no shoes on. I might be naked. You never know what you might get!
That's the risks you little bastards are gonna take if you do it to my house. Well, this night, I ran out in my slippers to see a car parked in the road next to my house talking to the neighbor kids in another car. I just stood there staring at them for 30 seconds until they saw me. Then all of the sudden, they sped away at a high rate of speed. My neighbors then pulled into my driveway and told me who it was. So kids, you can't do Step 1 and then forget about Step 2. It doesn't work. It reminded me of the Seinfeld where the car rental place gave away his car reservation.
Those kids knew how to "ding dong" but they didn't know how to "ditch", which really is the most important part-the "ditching". I mean I had enough time that I could have went out, wrote down their license plate number, swapped recipes with their passenger, and let the air out of their tires if I had wanted to. So I found it hilarious that after so long, they then sped away. I guess it's similar that my neighbor could have splattered me all over that ditch, but didn't. I guess it's comforting to know that kids are just as dumb now as we were 30 years ago.