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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

10 More Observations From My 43 Years Of Life

1.  Why does drinking bathroom water just seem so gross?  If my nightstand water runs out in the middle of the night and I fill it in the master bath, I am almost too disgusted to even drink it.  It's like my brain is trying to convince my mouth that somehow the sink plumbing is set to filter through the toilet bowl.

2.  How come we can go on vacation for a week and come home to 1 message on the answering machine?  But then if I try to lie down for an hour nap, I get a phone call every 7 minutes from everyone from my mom to the guy possibly running for hover car commissioner in 2037.

3.  You ever meet anyone whose voice just always sounds like they need to clear their throat?  I just want to cut them off and say, "Sorry, we can't be friends.  Ever thought of being a mime?".

4.  Maybe I'm just a slob, but it annoys me on t.v. when people sit in their own house eating potato chips out of a bowl while they are watching television.  I mean really, who the f**k does this?  So then what you don't finish, you have to try to pour back into the bag?  If we're having a party or the queen's coming over, then yeah.  But, if it's just us, dig those dirty, slobbery hands right down into that bag like God intended.

5.  I get so sick of calling help lines for supposedly American companies and getting a foreigner that I can not even begin to understand.  HOW IS THAT "HELPING" ME?  I so just want to immediately start speaking gibberish.  Every question they ask me, I just want to answer "Bintoggle shnozy digfobber gizooley".  Then just keep it up "poozale tinthurton gingalala poontoplibnoggy".  Until finally, they have to say, "sir, I can't understand you".  Then, I will calmly say in perfect English "Now you know what I am dealing with."

6.  Why do offices have casual Friday where you get to wear jeans to work?  Who decided that jeans are "casual".  If it were truly "casual", I would be allowed to kick back in my cube in my underwear with a beer resting on my belly.  And who picked pants as being the bad part about dressing up to where it's a reward to not have to wear them.  Personally, I think the shoes are worse.  If I ran the office it would be "Swim Fin Fridays" just to make it fun.  Wouldn't you love to see Farnsworth from accounting stumbling around the office in swim fins?

7.  Why is it that I can brush my teeth and when I am done, you can look at my sink and not be able to tell that I brushed my teeth?  However, if you go into my kids bathrooms at any given time, there will be half the tube squirted out by the faucet handles and visible toothpaste in various spots from up by the ceiling to on the baseboard.  Really, how is this even possible?  Does one of them hold up a toothbrush over by the wall and the other one set the tube on the vanity and pound their fist on it to try and make the toothpaste on to the brush?   I guess I should just be happy that they are at the very least giving the illusion of brushing their teeth.

8. Noah must have brought 2 termites on the ark?  Was that really the best idea?

9.  How come when I am mowing and all of the sudden I can't tell where I've already been, I panic?  Does it really matter?  It must not have needed mowed to begin with.  Also, if I get done and see that I've missed a spot, it drives me just a little bit insane to look at it every day but not quite so insane enough to get the mower back out.  And something I really don't understand is why the Hell is it easier for me to weed eat walking backwards?  Is it meant to be done that way or is it just something that I unintentionally do?

10.  To me, the smell of burps is way more gross than than the smell of farts.  Fart odors in overall stenchability can be much more powerful but are so far removed from the actual smell of what it used to be that my mind can separate that.  However, burps still kind of smell like the food it once was attached to but with a putrid twist so that to me is much worse.

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