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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

YOU MAKE THE CALL!

Well, I have reached the absolute high point in every lawn mower's (the person, not the machine) life.  My swingset and I have come to an amicable divorce.



It didn't start out that way as I had plans to go the Dahmer route and cut her up and throw her in the garbage.  That seemed like work so I thought that there had to be a way to get rid of her that involved more beer drinking and sitting than sweating and cutting.  Then I had an idea to put it on craigslist for free.  Surely, for free someone would just take it.  I assumed someone would take a turd as long as it was free.  So, I listed it and almost immediately the calls and emails poured in.  Over the course of 4 weeks, I had 3 "I'm coming to look at it's", and 4 "I'm taking it but will have to come get it in a few days".  At the end of 4 weeks, I looked in my yard and saw (see above).  Not one of those people even came to look at it, yet alone take it.  I mean really, why even bother to inquire then?  Finally 2 days before it was about to get butchered, a very nice man from Springfield emailed and said he was taking it.  I let him know that I had heard that before and that it was getting destroyed this weekend so if he wanted it, he had to show up by then.  I'll be damned if 8 times was the charm.  He actually showed up, took it, and gave me 2 free chili seasonings to boot (he makes it himself).  He said that he was going to fix it up for his granddaughter, so I asked if he would send me pics when he got done.  He actually did.  You ready for this because it's really UNBELIEVABLE!


Are you shitting me?  That thing looks better than when I entered this family 15 f**king years ago!  Uh, I changed my mind.  I think I want $300 for it now.  It occurred to me later why I had so much trouble getting rid of the swingset.  It was because I put "FREE" on it.  If I would have put "$5, or will trade for chili seasoning", I truly think I would have gotten rid of it much faster.  I think if I put a dollar on craigslist for free, no one would take it but if I tried . . . 




I bet this would be snatched up instantly.  Of course, I wouldn't take less than $1.50 and some paprika. Anyways, back to the story.  My yard is so much easier to mow now.  There are not 10 extra little circles to trim around.  It's bittersweet as it means my babies are growing up, but now I can just floor the rider and let her eat.


I bet Mr. "Chili Springfield" mowed once and said "what the Hell did I just do?"  As I mowed this week (I caught myself actually bitching to myself that I had to mow for the 4th time all year, spoiled bastard), I think I found a potential "Callahan going to be ornery in the near future to his sister" stash.


This is what I came across.


It's a large pile of empty locust shells.  Now I either stumbled upon the locust portal to Hell or what I believe is Callahan's secret summer stash of sister scare stratagems.  There, take that alliteration.  I made that alliteration my bitch.  I asked him about it and just got an evil grin.  


YOU MAKE THE CALL!



Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Debbie May Do Dallas, But Corey Does Chi-Town (Day 3)


Saturday was when we were coming home but not before stopping by the Taste of Chicago first.  Well, guess what.  It hasn't rained in months, but the Case's got poured on again.  Noah can kiss my ass.  We got there in time to be front row for a free concert by Disney channel stars Shayleigh (no last name like Cher or Carrot Top) and Roshon Fegan.

Don't know who he is?  Ever seen Shake It Up?  Bet your kids have.


or why don't you mention the show we've actually heard of jackass, duh, Dancing With The Stars?


Shayleigh sang first.  Wait, or is that Carrot Top?

Then came Mikah's future husband as she refers to him now.  Yes, both girls got to meet him.

Lukah and Roshon Fegan (or her future brother-in-law according to Mikah). 

 Lukah and Cal even made a music video to one of his songs when we got home.  I thought they did a good job and it looked almost real so here it is.  Who knew that Cal had the moves like Jagger?  Oops, wrong song.


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Debbie May Do Dallas, But Corey Does Chi-Town (Day 2)



On Friday, we had bleacher seats for the Cub game.  Luckily it was only 112 degrees that day.

The infamous Cubs sign.

We actually made it on t.v. during the start of the 3 hour and 40 minute rain delay.  THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID 3 HOUR 40 MINUTE RAIN DELAY.  They could have played a whole other game with as long as that delay was.  So, people say I looked pissed off in the picture.  I am actually just bored to death because there is not much to watch at Wrigley during a rain delay.

I know.  I will watch a drunk girl pass out during the national anthem on her 21st birthday.  I nudged Andi when I saw her doing the "close one eye" during "the dawn's early light", by "the rocket's red glare" she was swaying, and during "flag was still there" she wadded up her purse and was out.  I'm not so sure this is what Francis Scott Key had in mind.

Harry Caray statue looking like he's about to bust out a rhyme.

Our neighbor (Cal's brother he never had) and 2 other Clintonians happened to be in the bleachers at the same game so we all sat together.  Here they are waiting to get in to the rain delay.

Cal got a ball during batting practice as did Mikah and all of the Clinton boys.  One landed right next to me but I was texting and the piranhas scooped in and got it before I could even react.

The boys showing off their (ahem) balls.

Hmmm.  Was this before or after the rain delay?  I can't tell.

There's no hugging in baseball!

Cubs won 8-1.  Soriano went 4 for 4 with 2 homeruns and 2 doubles.  I'm not trying to take credit here but it's plain to see that he kept looking up at me for batting tips.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Debbie May Do Dallas, But Corey Does Chi-Town (Day 1)

Well, July 12-14 we took the kids on a mini-vaca since we had already taken a major one to Disney in February.  We stuck close to home by just going to Chicago.  On Thursday morning, we got up bright and early and were on the road to the Museum of Science and Industry by 8 a.m.  This is the middle of the night to the Cases.  We hadn't been there in a long time.  So long in fact that Lukah (14 now) was a tiny, tiny baby whose head bobbed along in the front of the stroller.  This is a picture of her at the time (faux-hawk and all).


I saw a young, hoodlum with backwards hat and ripped jeans looking at her repeatedly.  I was preparing myself to fight off a potential kidnapping attempt when I heard him tell his roughian friends, "That is the cutest baby I have ever seen."  Ah, so someone was right about that whole book-judging-cover thing.  TRUE STORY.

For me going to Chicago and seeing the Braidwood Inn from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles along the way on I-55 is a major highlight of the trip.  To the kids, not so much.

I'll be damned, the moon landing was faked.  It must have been shot at the Museum of Science and Industry.  And I never noticed before how much Neil Armstrong looks like a teenage girl.

The kids were just leaning against this rail for a picture when this Goddam submarine ruined the shot by pulling up and asking for directions to Lake Michigan.

Lost bastards.

A hot chick we saw at the museum.

Model city of Chicago.

Jesus Christ!  My model train only came with a plastic tree and one f**kin' cardboard house.

A model of the building that the little girl slid down in Adventures in Babysitting.  The model looks more real.

A robot that would take a picture of your face and then do a dance that you programmed in.  I found it really ironic that the robot didn't have "the robot" as a dance choice.

The last time we were at the museum of Science and Industry, the only food you could get was a cardboard hamburger or a cardboard hot dog.  Now there is an actual food court with actual chefs.  Cal is eating stir fry that he got to pick the ingredients and then watch the chef cook while the chef watched for hot women to walk by readily pointing them out to us in line.  Thank God, my daughters didn't walk by or I might have had to cook up a plate of whoop ass.

Remember the amazing Colleen Moore Fairy Castle dollhouse?

I just imagine that her dad gave her this and said, "There.  Now don't touch it EVER!  I worked my ass off on that damn thing."



I wonder what normal people's vacation photos look like.

Mikah got to be part of the Liquid Nitrogen experiment where they made ice cream with it.  The woman said that if she dipped her hand in the Nitrogen and then hit it on the table, her hand would shatter.  Ice cream sucked, show us the hand thing, bitch.

Overall, the museum was pretty disappointing.  We paid $70 for the 5 of us to get in there and it only took us 3-4 hours to see everything.  Let me rephrase that-to see everything that was included in the admission price.  There was plenty more to see if you wanted to pay extra (Coal Mine, Mythbusters exhibit, inside the submarine, WOW tour, Omnimax, and Smart Home).  I felt like my admission pretty much just got me in the door to pay for other admissions.  I hadn't been in 14 years.  That sounds about right, so I guess I'll see them again in another 14.  By then, I'll probably have to pay an admission to pay an admission to pay an admission.

So after the museum, we headed to Navy Pier since we had never been there before.  It has shops and some rides down by the water front in kind of a carnival atmosphere.  It was pretty neat and one of the few places left in the country that you can walk around outside with a beer.

There was a FREE stained glass museum that you walk through that went on forever.  I have never been around so much stained glass without having to sit through a boring sermon.  Oh shit, I am going to Hell.  Sorry God, uh, I mean "Oh crap, I am going to Heck".  Jordan be thy name.

This ferris wheel was so huge that I imagined once they got it full, the park hours would be over. They would just have to toss you a blanket and a pillow to hold you 'til the next day where they would then unload the big wheel.

There was actually a sailboat regatta (that's "race" for you fellow hillbillies) going on while we there which was pretty cool to see in person.  I tried watching this sport on t.v. once back in the 80's when that Conner guy kept winning the America's Cup but found myself repeatedly turning the channel to see what the Hell Alf was up to.

I couldn't believe there was a lighthouse.  I guess there needed to be something to keep the ships from driving through the Museum of Science and Industry asking for directions.  Then it was off to the Double tree by Hilton for swimming and resting up for the Cub game the next day.  By the way, I took a shit in the pool bathroom and I'll be Goddam if the end of the toity roll wasn't folded into a fancy triangle.  Those Hilton's even shit fancy.  I got done and felt obligated to redo the end of the roll for the next log layer.  Son of a bitch, I was just trying to shit, not do an origami project.