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Tuesday, August 28, 2012


Well, I have reached the absolute high point in every lawn mower's (the person, not the machine) life.  My swingset and I have come to an amicable divorce.

It didn't start out that way as I had plans to go the Dahmer route and cut her up and throw her in the garbage.  That seemed like work so I thought that there had to be a way to get rid of her that involved more beer drinking and sitting than sweating and cutting.  Then I had an idea to put it on craigslist for free.  Surely, for free someone would just take it.  I assumed someone would take a turd as long as it was free.  So, I listed it and almost immediately the calls and emails poured in.  Over the course of 4 weeks, I had 3 "I'm coming to look at it's", and 4 "I'm taking it but will have to come get it in a few days".  At the end of 4 weeks, I looked in my yard and saw (see above).  Not one of those people even came to look at it, yet alone take it.  I mean really, why even bother to inquire then?  Finally 2 days before it was about to get butchered, a very nice man from Springfield emailed and said he was taking it.  I let him know that I had heard that before and that it was getting destroyed this weekend so if he wanted it, he had to show up by then.  I'll be damned if 8 times was the charm.  He actually showed up, took it, and gave me 2 free chili seasonings to boot (he makes it himself).  He said that he was going to fix it up for his granddaughter, so I asked if he would send me pics when he got done.  He actually did.  You ready for this because it's really UNBELIEVABLE!

Are you shitting me?  That thing looks better than when I entered this family 15 f**king years ago!  Uh, I changed my mind.  I think I want $300 for it now.  It occurred to me later why I had so much trouble getting rid of the swingset.  It was because I put "FREE" on it.  If I would have put "$5, or will trade for chili seasoning", I truly think I would have gotten rid of it much faster.  I think if I put a dollar on craigslist for free, no one would take it but if I tried . . . 

I bet this would be snatched up instantly.  Of course, I wouldn't take less than $1.50 and some paprika. Anyways, back to the story.  My yard is so much easier to mow now.  There are not 10 extra little circles to trim around.  It's bittersweet as it means my babies are growing up, but now I can just floor the rider and let her eat.

I bet Mr. "Chili Springfield" mowed once and said "what the Hell did I just do?"  As I mowed this week (I caught myself actually bitching to myself that I had to mow for the 4th time all year, spoiled bastard), I think I found a potential "Callahan going to be ornery in the near future to his sister" stash.

This is what I came across.

It's a large pile of empty locust shells.  Now I either stumbled upon the locust portal to Hell or what I believe is Callahan's secret summer stash of sister scare stratagems.  There, take that alliteration.  I made that alliteration my bitch.  I asked him about it and just got an evil grin.  


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