Remember how excited you were when you got your first pair of Underoos® and how you couldn't wait for that first sleepover so you could show them off?
Then remember how those bastards all beat you up for being the dork that wore Underoos® to a sleepover? Well, guess what. Getting mercilessly ridiculed for wearing Underoos® now doesn't have to be reserved just for childhood. We are proud to introduce the new Underbrews® for adults. Ever run out of coffee filters and going to the store to get more would require putting pants on? So that's out.
That's right, it's the world's first underwear/coffee filter. Kicking yourself for not thinking of it first, aren't you? Well don't beat yourself off up, just remove underpants and pour desired amount of coffee in the coffee/testicle pouch.
Put in a standard coffee maker . . .
. . . brew for 4 minutes, and presto.
You have a pot of something that tastes vaguely like coffee, urine, and ball sweat. Then you just run the Underbrews® back through with plain water and no coffee to clean them for the next wearing. What if you go to put them on and they look like this because you can't remember if you cleaned them after your last pot?
Don't worry, just brew another pot and I'm sure a quick taste will let you know if that stain is from coffee grounds or anal leakage. So brew a pot, sit back and enjoy the fruits (of the loom) of your labor!
AND COMING SOON FROM THE UNDEROOS® FOOD DIVISION! It's the new Fromunda Cheese and Crackers!
This is our 3rd installment of our take on Harry Potter in everyday life. I'm not sure my Harry Potter doesn't sound less British than gay (not that there's anything wrong with that-Seinfeld). Remember the first 2 attempts.
Okay, at least my bed head is getting hipper! After I dropped my freshman daughter off at school, I came home, looked in the mirror and quickly realized how lucky I was to not have been mobbed by hoards of squealing teens. Why? Because I was a dead ringer for Harry Styles from British boy band One Direction (I hate when they call boy bands "bands" when none of them play instruments). See.
The only difference is that I can grow some facial hair and pubes. Not seeing it? Okay, I will put it in context for you.
Hard to pick me out, isn't it? Okay, I am the gray haired overweight boy in the middle holding an outdated $7 microphone. Don't boy bands need more overweight gray haired boys holding $7 microphones in them anyways? Maybe, I will just take my toy guitar and my resemblance and start a middle-aged One Direction tribute boy band.
I wish Bing Crosby was still alive. He would be perfect for my boy band! Now if I can kinda learn the first five seconds of the rest of One Direction's songs, maybe I can fill a couple of hours. There is another member of our family that bears a resemblance to a few famous figures. You have not met her yet. She is our newest addition since the passing of Vegas. She is a Yorkie named Sadie. Just a coincidence that Yorkie and Yoda both begin with (insert your own bad Sylvester Stallone impersonation here) "Yo". Methinks not.
Still not convinced? Check her out after a bath. "Look like Sadie I do," says Yoda.
When she's dry, she gets to be possibly the cutest dog I have ever seen despite her similarities to Chewbacca.
I always thought that Cha-Ka from the old Land of the Lost looked like if Chewbacca was going to go in for a job interview at a bank or an office and had to shave his face to look presentable. On a similar note, could you imagine the size of the hair net if he put in for a job as a fry cook?
Well, today I let Sadie out and was curious as to why she wasn't wanting in. Usually if there is even the remotest chance that a drip would fall on her outside, she's just fine with pissing in the house. Sometimes it doesn't even take the drip. I hollered for her and when she came racing in, her beard looked like Jack Sparrow's and her face smelled like a goat's ass (which ironically is exactly how I would imagine Jack Sparrow to smell). My apologies to all of my goat readers.
Of course this was the only time all day that she chose to give me what we call the "piranha attack" which is just a flurry of tongue, teeth, cold wet nose and hair on your face. Usually, she uses her bottom pointy teeth and tries to hook your nostril like the worst re-enactment of a scene on "River Monsters" ever. It's kind of like if the Tasmanian devil from Bugs Bunny decided to make out with you all of the sudden.
If you cover your mouth with your hand to deter french kisses, she will actually use her nose to wedge your hand away. Unfortunately, this was right before work so I had to go in smelling like a wet dog that got that way from spending her free time frolicking in a sewer. This turned out to be pretty close to the cause as I inspected outside and realized she had been dunking her face in/drinking some skank water that had been festering all winter in an overturned garbage can lid. Now surely that Stetson cologne from high school that never seemed to get used up is around here somewhere. Sorry workmates, no luck! I bet those earplugs fit nostrils too.
Now this morning when I looked in the mirror, I was taken aback with a hair resemblance to another fictional t.v. creature.
Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? It's Pauly D from Jersey Shore. I can honestly say that I have never seen that show but have not been living under a rock either so I do know who Pauly, JWoww, Snookie, the other one, the tan one, and the other tan one are. Ready for the resemblance?
Okay, if I was orange, you would be able to better tell. That's not the freakiest part though. Look at the similarities of our abs!
Do you hate when your parents tell YOU when it's YOUR bedtime? Sure they can stay up drinking Margaritas and beer bongs to unwind from their day but YOU have to lie down without so much as a tequila shot. Break your piggy bank for our new Birdeez® and let the slippers show them your dissatisfaction.
How do they work, you ask? Just slip your feet in, get pissed at friends and family, stomp off in a huff and let our slippers do the rest. When you step down, little cartoon talking mice crank a big wheel to make the finger go up. Oh clam up, you're just a kid, like you would really understand the hinges and compressed air explanation.
If you are wondering where the idea for these came from, it was actually the original prototype for the modern day Stompeez®.
Our founder, Gus R. Stompee, in 1846 fashioned a pair of slippers out of the remains of a down and out transient for his daughter to wear in her drafty bedroom. Just from pure coincidence, the slippers reflect the transient's last gesture to Gus for not giving him a penny for some rat jerky.
Little Adelaide Stompee, 1846.
After the Switchblade Stompeez® debacle that occurred in the Dover Juvenile Hall courtyard, we decided to go back to our roots.
Okay, actually all of the lawsuits forced us to lay off our creative team (who let's face it, kinda dropped the ball on that promotion anyways). Nevertheless, what kid hasn't wanted to tell their parents to cram it at some point or another. What better way to show your dissatisfaction with a Christmas gift? Without using the word doodyhead and getting slapped around on Christmas Day that is. Don't flip them the double bird, let our slippers do it for you.
Yeah, gee. These new slippers are much better than an XBox.
Don't worry. If you leave your slippers at home, there is still just the old fashioned way. Just be prepared to go into the fake nose scratch if you get caught. Birdeez® is not responsible for groundings, dessert missings, or premature bedtimes.
And coming soon from our print division. . .
Have you ever seen the arrogance of those drivers with the "Honor Student" bumper stickers? I mean pretty much these days, if you don't stab someone that quarter, they put you on the honor roll, right? So, who's really impressed?
Then there was the humorous rebuttal bumper stickers that soon followed.
Well, we have done them one better (or actually 3 better). Why does schooling have to be the only benchmark for pride? Can't I be just as proud of my kid for finding a stack of 1980's Playboys in the neighbor's garbage or rolling the best "J"? That's why we proudly offer these alternatives for jr.'s disfunctional lifestyle.
Okay, it is technically my sister's turn on the insult slinging and has been for close to 2 YEARS but I have had one waiting in the wings so long, I decided to go ahead and use it! I wrote this one so long ago that I actually had to retrieve it from my disc archives to even bring it back to life. Good thing it was about Nike products and not Twinkies or it would have been obsolete by now. Anyways, let's see if she can take her broken wing (she just had rotator cuff surgery) and one finger peck out a rebuttal on the keyboard. Nah, I'm sure this will just be her excuse to take another 2 years.